you found your way to this page, you really have no life. (Welcome
to my world.) This page has old Breaking News! articles from
2003 and 2004. If you are really pathetic and want to read older news from
2000-2002, click here.
rock star, Gordon Sumner (aka Sting), recently bought a farm in
the Tuscan area of Chianti with the hope of making some wine. The
farm is about 450 acres and lies adjacent to the estate that Sting
already owns near Figline Valdarno. Online wine magazine, decanter.com,
reports that Sting plans to make wine from Sangiovese grapes and that
the limited volumes of wine will only be distributed to Sting's friends.
Did I mention how immensely talented my good friend Sting is???
Now Sting is
not the first celebrity to get into the winemaking biz. Many
notable personalities have their own vineyards including:
car driver Mario Andretti
producer Francis Ford Coppola
show host Alex Trebek
actor Gerard Depardieu.
Fess Parker (Daniel Boone)
brothers Tom & Dick Smothers.
Story" creator John Lasseter
Monroe (certainly you've heard of the oh-so-delicious Marilyn
however, has the opportunity to achieve something none of the other
celebrities could. If Sting plays his cards right, his winery
could become The Official Rock Star-Owned Winery of WinoStuff.com.
All Sting has to do is remember his friends and "grease the
skids", if you know what I mean.
to Sting, other familiar names will be getting into the winemaking game.
Our own WinoBob will be making his inaugural batch of Stick Figure
Rhone-Style Red later this year. And yours truly may try his hand
at making a massive cab. That's right, the WinoStuff team will be
concocting some world-class vino at a local winemaking facility.
The details are still a little sketchy (where, how much, grape source,
etc.) but we are committed, damn it!!!
for the play-by-play updates.
January 5, 2003
Wine of the Day
Breaking News... The Spectator named Stag's Leap Wine Cellars'
Cask 23 1999 Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon as Wine of the Day for
January 11, 2003.
Guys!! Way to go out on a limb!!! Who would have imagined
that a $150 bottle of 1999 Napa Cab might be pretty good? Could
Screaming Eagle be tomorrow's Wine of the Day?
This is what
The Spectator's James Laube had to say:
LEAP WINE CELLARS Cask 23
Napa Valley 1999 (93 points, $150)
winery with a long history of excellence, the '99 Cask 23 is another
winner. Wonderful complexity and sense of harmony and finesse, with
rich, intense, supple layers of currant, black cherry, anise, game and
coffee. Finishes with a long, rich aftertaste. Should only improve over
the next 10 years. Best from 2005 through 2014. 2,347 cases made.
Jimmy. Jimbo. C'mon, admit it. You woke up
yesterday, a little hung over, and you remembered that you had this damn
"Wine of the Day" homework thing due in a few hours.
Rather than go out and do some real research and uncover a
gem-in-the-rough like Sandia Shadows, you figured, "I'll just go
with a blue-chip Cab. Who's gonna know?" Well, Jimmy, we
sure Mr. Laube is spot on with his evaluation of Cask 23. Actually, I
enjoy James Laube's column every month in the Spec and I agree with most
of his wine reviews (at least those that I can afford to try). But
in this case, I'm thinking that Jimmy took the easy way out.
However, if Marvelous Marv was picking up the tab, I can't say that I
January 12, 2003
As you may
have heard, the monstrous wine conglomerate, Constellation Brands, is
getting a little bigger. Actually, they are getting a lot
bigger! Constellation has announced that they are buying BRL
Hardy, one of Australia's largest wine producers, for $1.1 billion.
Yes, that's right, 1.1 BILLION dollars. American. That's a
lot of money even by Wally's standards.
catapults Constellation Brands into the number one spot in terms of
worldwide wine revenues. The new company will have estimated
annual wine sales in excess of $1.7 billion. Total sales
(Constellation has a huge spirits business as well) are expected to
exceed $3.2 billion. Falling into second place is E&J Gallo of
Modesto, California. Ernie and Julie only cranked out 63 million
cases of wine in 2001, generating about a bil-and-a-half. If you
do the math, that's almost $24 per case. (I must be doing the math
wrong... $24 per case???)
In my humble
opinion, Constellation Brands' wine business seems somewhat
schizophrenic. On the one hand, they own some quality wine
producers such as Ravenswood, Simi, and Mt. Veeder. On the other
hand, they also produce some truly unremarkable wines such as Arbor
Mist, Almaden, and Vendange.
recall that Constellation Brands "won" the prestigious Winery
of the Month award from WinoStuff.com for their groundbreaking launch of
the Arbor Mist brand of "wine
with fruit" in unbreakable plastic 375 ml single-serving bottles.
(Truly a memorable day here at 'Stuff!) Constellation went by
their "other" personality back then, Canandaigua Wine
lineup includes at least 15 different wineries, none of which has ever
received the WOTM award. I think you see BRL Hardy's motivation to
get this deal done!
Gallo has been awarded the WOTM honor twice; once for the
Indigo Hills brand and once for Gallo of Sonoma.
January 20, 2003
and our prayers are with the families of the astronauts on the space
the same anti-oxidant compound that is found in red wine and which has
been reported to fight cancer, is now thought to have possible uses as a
preservative for fresh fruit. That's right, Spanish
scientists at Complutense University in Madrid have discovered that
fruit which has been dipped in a trans- resveratrol solution remains
fresh longer than untreated fruit. Is this more proof that
wine really is a miracle beverage or is this a precursor to
brain trust reports that of all the fruits tested, apples
fared best, and that there was a definite correlation between the the
concentration of trans-resveratrol in the solution and the preservative
effectiveness. The best results came from the solution with the
highest concentration of resveratrol.
we here at 'Stuff must question the findings. Specifically, we need
answers to the following important questions:
Complutense University? Isn't that an extension of Madrid County
2) If the
preservative qualities of trans-resveratrol are so potent and trans-resveratrol
is common in red wines, why then is Bob's liver not better
3) If huge
quantities of red wine are suddenly re-deployed as chemical
preservatives and the result is mass spraying of wine onto produce and
fruit crops, what will happen to the price of wine? Arghhhhhh!!!
WinoStuff readers will remember our groundbreaking report on possible
uses of white wine by-products to make disinfectant cleansers.
That report created a whole new market for previously unsellable French
skunk wine. Now this! What once was looking like a buyer's
market for wine could quickly become a shortage situation if wine was to
suddenly become a miracle disinfectant / preservative!!!
cleanser / fruit preservative. This reminds one of the old Saturday
Night Live episode for the combination floor wax / desert topping.
You remember, "Mmmm, taste's great." "And
look at that shine!"
February 4, 2003
Gayardo the Red!
San Francisco Chronicle recently reported that Rome has gone nuts.
Not all of Rome, mind you, just a few fruity Romans.
This story has so many oddities that I don’t know where to
Chronicle reported that noted Italian publisher, Roberto Massari, has
released a new Nebbiolo wine. OK,
so far, so good. Apparently,
this wine is just the latest of 11 wines in Massari's series of “Wines
to Read”. Here’s where
it gets a little strange. For
some reason that continues to elude me, perhaps because of Massari’s
position as a publisher, the bottled wine is legally considered a literary
work, i.e. a book!!! A
two page long book! The
front label is page one and the back label is page two.
The stuff in the middle, the wine and the bottle, well that’s
it gets better.
whom I assume is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that…),
has dedicated this wine to gay people or to gayness or to gaiety.
Something gay. I don’t know. The
wine is called Rosso Gayardo which means something like “big
red gay Italian guy”. I’m
not making this up. Reportedly, Massari wanted to produce a
big, bold wine. One that
counters the stereotype of gays being weak and drinking weak things.
(I thought that was the French…?)
longtime friend, Italian author and founder of Italy’s gay community,
Massimo Consoli, has written passages for the front and back labels.
The front label has a dedication to Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, who is
considered the first gay activist.
don’t remember what the Chronicle said was on the back label.
I had reached my gay Italian threshold and I was starting to lose
interest in the article by that point.
do remember that Rosso Gayardo sells in Europe for like 10 euros.
Not bad for a big red gay Italian book/wine thing.
Thankfully, the stuff is not imported into the US.
February 9, 2003
the event organizers' better judgement, Winos Bob and John were recently
invited to attend a wine and food pairing event at the luxurious
Renaissance Hotel in Rutherford, NJ. The event was hosted by Bob
Ferdon of Dreyfus, Ashby & Co.
and featured the wines of Maison Joseph Drouhin and Domaine Drouhin
Oregon. The special guest for the event was the very lovely and
articulate Veronique Drouhin, great-granddaughter of Joseph
Drouhin and head winemaker at Domaine Drouhin Oregon.
evening started out with a brief reception during which we were
introduced to Ms. Drouhin and the very affable Charles Klatskin, owner
of the hotel. I'm sure hotel security was on high alert after
WinoBob's "Immer Dinner Incident" but they remained discreetly
undercover. After all, this was to be a very important tasting
with a small group of highly respected industry guests. Basically,
WinoBob and I were lucky to be there. I was cool with that but
Wino Bob... well, you know WinoBob... and his habitual
evening was a pure delight as Veronique spoke at length about her family
heritage, their decision to grow grapes in Oregon, the differences in
terroir between Burgundy and Oregon, etc. I was captivated by both
her knowledge of wine and her French accent. We leisurely tasted
wines from Oregon and Burgundy as we nibbled on the foods that were
expertly prepared for the occasion.
then, it happened. Wino Bob began to... well... under
the terms of the settlement agreement, I'm prohibited from discussing
the details of this latest "incident". Suffice it to say
that WinoBob will serve no jail time. We agreed to name Maison
Joseph Drouhin and DDO as "Co-Wineries of the Month"
here at WinoStuff. In return, Veronique agreed to drop all
charges. God bless her.
Disaster was averted as the lovely Veronique Drouhin deftly
chokes Wino Bob into unconsciousness.
February 11, 2003
Send a Message!
wave of anti-France sentiment is rolling across these United States.
In the last few weeks, patriotic Americans have voiced their
disdain over France’s refusal to side with The United States in
forcing Iraq to disarm. That
voice has overwhelmingly shouted, “Boycott France!”
And the only thing that France exports that is worth boycotting
is wine. Oh sure, you could
boycott French fries or French toast or even French poodles.
But if you really want to send a message, boycott their wine.
And that is exactly what many Americans are proposing.
for example Steve Dunleavy, writer for the New York Post.
In a recent article, Mr. Dunleavy urged his readers to
"boycott our ingrate 'Allies'". In the article, Dunleavy remembers a time in the 1960’s
when a similar wave of anti-Franco sentiment resulted in restaurants
refusing to serve French wines. It
could happen again.
not all. Recently, the Speaker of the US
House of Representatives, Dennis Hastert, called for a good
old-fashioned embargo against French wines. Last week, Pennsylvania State
Rep. Steve Barrar, said he will introduce a resolution into the state
legislature this month ordering the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board to
prohibit state stores from carrying and selling French alcohol. (With
640 retail outlets, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is the largest
purchaser of wine and spirits in the United States!)
as you know, we here at WinoStuff have a long history of multinational
peacemaking and international crisis mediation. Naturally, we are
ready to intervene. Here is
our Two Step Plan:
DO NOT boycott the wines of Maison Joseph Drouhin!
(WinoBob has become quite enamored with Veronique Drouhin and a
boycott would not help his cause, if you know what I mean…)
We are declaring ourselves to be "the Official French Wine Disposal
Organization." If any
of you patriotic winos feel the need to send a message to the French
leadership, then you should dispose of all your French wines.
All of them. Especially
the good ones. Pack your
wines in insulated shipping containers and send them (FedEx P1 or UPS
c/o Wine Ventures, LLC
PO Box 64
Caldwell, NJ 07006
February 18, 2003
Alcohol, Tobacco, and 'Stuff
One of the
changes to come out of the Homeland Security Act is the formation of the
Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. (TTB) Actually, the TTB was
formerly part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BATF).
However, when the feds finally realized that if you’re drinkin’
and smokin’ then you shouldn’t be shootin’, they decided to move
the TTB over to the Department of Homeland Security.
I guess if we are attacked by some third world country (such as
France), the first thing we want to protect is our alcohol and tobacco.
I feel more secure already.
new TTB has decided to allow wineries to mention on the bottle label
that moderate wine consumption may offer some health benefits.
(Actually, the TTB will only allow the label to suggest that
consumers consult with their family doctor to learn more about the
potential health benefits.) If
a winery includes such a vague reference to potential health effects,
they must also include a disclaimer warning the consumer
not to drink more alcohol for health reasons.
Furthermore, the wineries must continue to include the
traditional health warning.
issue of a benefits statement on wine bottles has been caught up in
political debate for years. The
brain-dead former senator, Strom Thurmond, successfully battled a health
benefits statement on wine labels as far back as 1998.
Well, we at WinoStuff, ever the diplomats, are offering up the
following solution. We
propose that every bottle of wine sold in America have the following
statement clearly printed in big bold letters on the front label:
The Surgeon General has determined that alcohol consumption can impair
your ability to drive heavy machinery, especially if you are pregnant.
just a sample warning statement. It could be changed. We
don’t care. Here’s the
For information regarding the potential health benefits of moderate wine
consumption, log on to www.winostuff.com,
the Official Wino’s Homepage!
like a pretty simple solution to this political quagmire.
I would even be willing to resurrect all of our old Breaking
News articles reporting on the health benefits of wine
consumption. That’s the
kind of guy I am.
So there it is.
WinoStuff steps up to solve another complex socio-political
problem. WinoBob, call the
Pulitzer people. I think we
have a winner here!
March 5, 2003
'Stuff Sells Out!!
As you can
probably tell from the cheesey navigation bar on the left side of this
page, WinoStuff has sold out. We've gone commercial. We've
compromised our high journalistic standards and we have begun to sell
crap. And we feel pretty damn good about it!
I know, we
sold out once before when we posted those banner ads for stuff that you
overwhelmingly did not want. This time, it's different. This
time we're selling WinoStuff stuff. It doesn't get much better
And now you
too can impress your friends and support the cause by showing your
'Stuff. Click over to our cyber storefront and pick out some wino
stuff. Now you can wear 'Stuff to work. (Your boss and
co-workers will have a whole new respect for you!) Put 'Stuff on
your car. Enjoy 'Stuff with your coffee. You can never have
too much 'Stuff!!!
demonstrate our commitment to this very important cause (putting a few
bucks into the corporate coffers), our own WinoBob has taken time out
from his very busy schedule to model some 'Stuff. (Don't look too
close. It can make you sick...)
can actually click on this disgusting image of Bob in his thong and be
whisked over to the 'Stuff store. Is technology great or what?
(Is this image nauseating or what?)
here's your assignment. Shop for 'Stuff. Show your 'Stuff
(unless your an enormous hairy fat guy and you buy a thong...).
Support and promote 'Stuff! Damnit, BUY STUFF!!! The
website you save could be your own! (More than likely, however, it
will be ours!)
March 11, 2003
I really hate using this forum for political debate but here's my
the record, I'm against war. Anyone with any sense is against
war. However, I'm also against sadistic dictators who torture
their people, support terrorism, and threaten peaceful nations.
In fact, I'm against the sadistic dictators more than I'm against war.
Therefore, I support President Bush and the U.S. military in their
efforts to rid the world of the latter scum.
similarly-minded people have begun to boycott all things French because
of France's actions to undermine our efforts to disarm Iraq and liberate
the Iraqi people. Personally, I have been boycotting France for
years, more because of their pompous arrogance than their loyalty to
terror mongers. Go ahead and boycott France. It certainly
an even greater evil resides here at home. We count among our own
many who would also bow to Saddam. I speak to the many
"celebrities" who have spoken out against our military actions
and have even compared President Bush to Adolph Hitler! You
people are fucking idiots! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Did all that cocaine kill all your brain cells? Get a friggin'
a free and democratic society, even brain-dead celebrities may voice an
opinion. We as a people may also exercise our right to boycott not
only their movies and CD's, but also the products of the companies that
advertise on their TV shows or promote their music.
winos, do you want to boycott those that oppose America? Then
boycott France and:
Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream
sure that there are more, but this group recently pissed me off.
By the way, I'm sure that the Oscar awards ceremony will be filled with
more celebrities who use that forum to make their statement. I'm
keeping a running list. I'm prepared to boycott American
Express, Anheuser-Busch, Charles Schwab, General Motors, J.C. Penney,
MasterCard and PepsiCo, all sponsors of the Oscar ceremony, if it turns
into a glitzy war protest.
For more info, visit:
on Politics and War
against Celebrity Pundits
March 23, 2003
that last rant. I was going through chocolate withdrawal and I was
a little cranky. Not that I don't stand behind every word that I
wrote, I just went off on a bit of a tirade. For those of you who
want to continue the rant, stay tuned. The WinoStuff Boycott
Hollywood page is under construction! (Obviously,
we have a little too much spare time...)
OK, back to
real wine news...
There was an
article on the Spectator.com recently about a new initiative being
promoted by the Napa Valley Vintners Association to include a cool new
logo on wines made with 100% Napa Valley grapes. This
certification mark will also indicate that the wine was produced and
bottled in Napa as well.
is a direct assault on wine brand names that include geographic
references to Napa but don't actually contain any Napa-grown fruit.
Napa Ridge and Rutherford Vintners are two brands that
imply Napa fruit but are actually made with grapes from outside Napa.
New state laws prohibit wineries from doing this but Napa Ridge and
Rutherford Vintners were exempted under a grandfather clause.
a hot new trend when we see it, we here at "Stuff have developed
our own cool logo to reassure our loyal wine-loving readers that the
content on this site is 100% WinoStuff stuff. (Actually, you won't
see this logo on many of our pages because we steal as much content as
As you can
see, we sort of lifted the 100% Napa logo so we can't even legitimately
put our new logo on this page. But you get the idea. From
now on, whenever we think up some new 'Stuff on our own, you'll see the
100% Wino Stuff logo declaring that this is our own inane drivel.
Most likely, you'll see the new logo on Bob's Wining's page. There
is no way that the content of that page is anything but 100% pure Bob.
Scary, but true.
April 3, 2003
Go to the Can
In a bold
move that could signal the end of civilization as we know it, the
relatively- unknown Australian wine producer, Gowrie Mountain Estates,
has announced that they will begin selling wine in cans. Yes,
that's right, cans. Go ahead, take a deep breath. Wine in
apparent move to target beer drinkers and novice winos, the brain trust
at this Queensland winery has decided to can their wine.
Literally. They are going to the can. (Insert your own 'go
to the can" joke here...) Furthermore, those highly
imaginative Aussies have decided to call this new product "Aussie
Wine". Curiously, this product is targeted only to the
US, British, and Japanese markets. (Could it be that no self-
respecting Aussie would actually drink a can of Aussie Wine?)
The cans will sell in 4-packs for less than $10.
for the winery stated that "Gowrie Mountain's can took years to
develop." (Not unlike my wife's can. Ouch!)
The goal was to develop a can which imparts no flavor to the wine.
To that end, a special interior lining was developed to keep the wine
fresh. However, the composition of the can and the lining were not
revealed in order to protect the "intellectual property" of
alarming new product revelation raises a few important questions:
1) Is the
Marketing executive who came up with this idea still employed?
2) Who came
up with the very clever name? (We have a website full of stuff
for winos and we are looking
for a catchy name...)
3) Is the
packaging process patented? I'm sure that the French would enjoy a
nice can of Cannes!
4) Do you
really think that wine-in-a-can can be considered
off-chance that the name Aussie Wine doesn't catch on, we
can offer the following very desirable product names*:
names are all intellectual property of WinoStuff.com. All
rights reserved. Blah, blah, blah.
April 12, 2003
is no Boycott???
rampant that sales of French wine in the US have begun to decline.
Look at any recent report on wine imports and you'll see that France's
stance on the war in Iraq has begun to impact America's buying habits.
However, in a statement that can only be compared to Baghdad Bob's
assertion that no coalition troops were in or near Baghdad, the director
of France's Federation of Wine and Spirits Exporters, Louis-Fabrice Latour, stated this week that, "We have no real evidence of a
boycott as such..." "We don't know exactly why (exports
fell), it could be down to economic factors as much as any boycott of
French wines," said Latour.
Lou? Let me help you here.... It's a friggin' boycott!!!
Open your eyes and smell the cafe latte! You chose to support the
Saddam regime. Now we choose not to support you. It's just
deluded can one nation be? There is no boycott. Your buddy Saddam
is just misunderstood. And France is still relevant in world
politics. Get a grip, Frog-boy.
Louis didn't see the large adds in The New York Times or The Washington
Post. Perhaps the Lou-meister doesn't watch CNN or Fox News.
Perhaps, as unlikely as it may seem, Mr. Latour doesn't visit WinoStuff!
(Perhaps Mr. Latour is boycotting WinoStuff....? Now
there's something to think about...)
So, as a
public service to Mr. Latour and to all the other delusional individuals
out there that deny the existence of a boycott, I offer the following
links: (Some of these sites favor boycotting France for reasons
unrelated to the war. I have included them anyway, just because I
LOTS more. I just wanted to give Mr. Latour a sampling.
(Man, I can't wait to get back to real Wine News!)
Latour, relax, enjoy and drink less French wine!
April 20, 2003
at the super-secret WinoStuff Biological Testing Laboratory recently
discovered yet another potential medical benefit to moderate red wine
consumption. (Actually, the WinoScientists allowed the legitimate
scientists at Marshall University in West Virginia to take credit for
the discovery and make the formal announcement.) This time,
their research revealed that the polyphenol compound found in most red
wine, resveratrol, may be effective in treating skin cancer!
This is great news for winos, especially those in southern
climes who may suffer from a high degree of sun exposure.
case, the lab studies involved the direct application of resveratrol to
melanoma cells in a petri dish. In concentrations of only 30
micromolars, resveratrol was found to effectively kill all the
melanoma cells. 30 micromolars is the approximate amount of
resveratrol in one 8-ounce glass of red wine. (30 gigamolars
is the approximate amount of resveratrol in WinoBob's liver!)
next study will examine the effects of resveratrol ingestion
as a means of treating or even preventing skin cancer.
Questions such as "How is resveratrol metabolized? How much
resveratrol reaches the skin? How much reaches the tumor?" all need
to be answered.
human guinea pig, WinoBob, has been conducting his own experiments on
the potential prophylactic effects of red wine consumption vis-à-vis
skin damage from sun exposure. (Wow! I've been looking for
an opportunity to say "prophylactic" and
"vis-à-vis" in this column! Who would have thought that
I'd say them both in the same sentence?!!) Recently, Bob consumed
so much red wine that his skin was literally oozing with resveratrol.
(Those of you who know Bob will agree that this is not an unusual
event...) Our crack team of WinoScientists noted that the
resveratrol actually began to repel sunlight from Bob's
skin, rendering Bob nearly invisible! Thus, the potential
for resveratrol as a sunscreen would appear to be significant.
More work obviously needs to be done in this area.
So there you
have it, wino friends. Yet another reason to pop the cork on a
nice bottle of red. It's therapeutic! And delicious!
Do you need any more reasons?
May 10, 2003
will it end??
whackos over at Constellation Brands are at it again. Alert winos
will recall a Breaking News! article about a year ago in
which Constellation Brands announced that they were going to begin
Arbor Mist brand of "wine with fruit" in unbreakable
plastic 375 ml single-serving bottles. That was truly a milestone
in the wine-with-fruit industry. Now, through their Canandaigua
Wines subsidiary, Constellation will be launching a new line of "creamy
wine blender drinks." Yes, that's right, creamy wine
blender drinks. We will soon be treated to Arbor Mist
Wine Blenders, the first blender drinks made with wine! The
plan is to initially offer three fruit flavors including strawberry,
blackberry and peach.
response to this news, I can only say, "It's about time!"
I can't tell you how many times I have tried to put some nice wine into
a blender with fruit, cream, and ice. Never have I been able to
produce a good creamy wine blender drink. Never! Now, thanks to
the genius that is Constellation, all the work is done for me. I'm
not sure how they do it but I'm speculating that they dehydrate the wine
and then freeze dry it to lock in all that great wine flavor.
Then, through some proprietary reconstitution process, they take the
wine powder and fuse it to some partially hydrogenised cream and fruit
molecules to produce this truly revolutionary cream wine frozen beverage
thing. I don't know, but it sure sounds good!
quick call over to one of the scientists at the top-secret Constellation
New Product Development Industrial Complex revealed that there are more
radical wine-based products waiting in the wings. Take, for
Arbor Mist Winecicles -
Frozen wine on a stick. Great on a hot summer day!
Arbor Mist Winetarts
- Wine-flavored toaster pastry. The perfect way to start your
Arbor Mist Wine-and- Cheese Whiz
- Wine and cheese in a can! Just squirt some on crackers!
Arbor Mist Wine-a-day and Wine-a-day +
Wine flavored multi- vitamins.
Arbor Mist Winezoil
- Wine-based motor oil. Keeps your motor running smoothly.
I ask you, with new and innovative wine-like products such as these on
the horizon, is it any wonder that Constellation Brands is now the
world's largest wine company?
May 17, 2003
In the last
few years, WinoStuff has reported on many of the health benefits associated
with moderate wine consumption. Recently, another apparent
wine-related medical miracle has been announced. This time, I need
to exercise previously unforeseen levels of restraint in reporting the
story. The temptation to resort to cheap scatological humor is
nearly impossible to resist. Butt, I will do my best...
In a recent
article in The Spec, crack rectal scientists at New York's Our Lady of
Mercy Medical Center announced that a glass or two of wine every day may
help reduce the occurrence of bowel polyps. In an obvious attempt
to gross us out, the Spec reminds us that "Polyps are projecting
masses of swollen membrane that are sometimes found in the colon."
Thanks, Marv. I needed that.
The study at
OL of MMC compared the occurrence of polyps against the reported
drinking habits of a couple hundred rectal-ready volunteers who
underwent colonoscopies. (Where do they find these people?)
The researchers found that those who don't drink had a 38 percent risk
of developing polyps. Those who consumed one to two drinks a day,
had an 80 percent lower chance than nondrinkers of developing
polyps. Most importantly, those who drank moderately for more than
10 years tended to be free of the growths. As a side note, the
lone stick figure volunteer who drank ten cases of wine per week was
found to be 100% free of polyps but his liver was similar in size and
texture to a worn out truck tire. And yet he continues to drink...
unrelated study, researchers in Denmark recently reported that people
who drink large amounts of alcohol run an increased risk of rectal, but
not colon, cancer. In fact, the more I searched for articles about
the colorectal - wine phenomenon, the more I found that this is not
actually breaking news!!! I found dozens of reports
dating back to 2000 that indicate that alcohol consumption may be linked
to an increased risk of rectal cancer but a decreased risk of colon
cancer. (Wine consumption, apparently, does not pose an increased
risk of rectal or colon cancer. So we have that goin' for us, you
know, which is nice...)
What can we
deduce from all this redundant scientific data? As far as I can
tell, there are two important facts here:
Moderate wine consumption is good for your pooper.
2) Way too
many researchers are studying the effects of wine on your butt.
something to think about...
June 14, 2003
In a rather
bizarre segue, I follow up on our recent report of wine and rectal
health with the following story...
wine guy and Honorary Wino, Robin Garr, recently posted a story on his
web site, wineloverspage.com,
which caught my attention. There appears to be an unusual practice
among some barbeque aficionados which involves the roasting of a chicken
with a beer can in its butt. I can't even make up stuff like this.
(Actually, the New York Times reported this story a few years ago but
you can't believe a word they say...) Apparently, some
creative food preparation genius discovered that beer adds
interesting flavors to a marinade or a barbeque sauce. No problem.
I can understand that. From there, I suppose, it is a
logical step simply shove a beer can up a chicken's butt and
This picture depicts an actual beer
can-impaled chicken roasting on the grill. (For years, WinoBob has
been sending me similar pictures of what I now believe to be some sort
of sadistic attempts to barbeque young college coeds...)
provides the actual recipe and cooking procedure for those of you
inclined to get involved in this sort of thing. For the full
wineloverspage article, click
the gang here at 'Stuff has some important questions with regard to this
disturbing culinary practice:
Who the hell thought up this little trick and what prison is he
Can you cook a turkey the same way? If so, do you have to
use a "tall boy" or perhaps one of those gigantic Foster's
Is this considered haute cuisine in the gay community?
(Not that there's anything wrong with that...!)
Can you substitute the beer in the can (no pun intended) with wine?
If so, what wine would you use? (Bob, I see another
WinoStuff contest here!)
For all the
latest news involving wine/beer/rectal/chicken, stay tuned to
(I really have to go back to Engineering).
July 1, 2003
Wine Stain Remover !!
After spending months in the WinoStuff Product Development Lab, WinoBob (Professor
Bob as he's known in the lab) has finally stumbled on the ideal
WINOSTUFF’S MAGICAL RED WINE
STAIN REMOVING ELIXIR
In a move that is sure to have repercussions throughout the dry-cleaning
industry, WinoStuff announces a breakthrough in the laundry sciences, WinoStuff's
Magical Red Wine Stain Removing Elixir. Just
spay a little of our miracle stain remover on your wine-soiled fabric, wait
about 10 minutes, and wipe with a damp cloth. That's it! Stain
gone, tablecloth saved! It's just that easy!
WinoBob has spilled red wine on his favorite thong...
WinoBob's thong is as good as new after using
Magical Red Wine Stain Removing Elixir!
Where can you get this fabulous new space-age product?
Only one place! Right here at WinoStuff.com!!! Want to place an
order? ("Yes" would be a good answer...) Print out
the order form (click
here... ), fill it out and send it to WinoStuff. The
address is on the form. Want more information? Contact Dr. WinoBob
This is no joke! This is a real miracle product. Give it a
July 18, 2003
Those rascally French
are at it again. Not long ago, WinoStuff reported that a group
of Beaujolais wine producers had successfully sued a magazine
for calling their wine "crap". The French courts
awarded the growers €300,000 and nearly bankrupt the magazine.
Now, it appears, a different group of French winegrowers is preparing
to sue the French weather service for failing to warn them of
an approaching hailstorm! The hailstorm wiped out around two
thirds of the winegrowers' crap. Oops! I mean crop.
The storm wiped out two thirds of the crop!
(WinoBob, that slip could cost us €300,000. We had better
accept that offer from wine.com...)
This story is
disturbing for many reasons:
1) There appears to be
a growing trend among French wine producers to form litigious gangs.
2) C'mon, the weather
service? They are suing the weather service??? That's like
suing Mother Nature...
3) Who's next on the
Frog gang hit list? Perhaps a popular American wine-related
website that just happens to be promoting a boycott of France?
These are all important
considerations if you should happen to be planning a trip to France.
Remember that you too may be sued if you mention out loud that you
don't like the wine. Or the weather.
For the full story from
August 2, 2003
Kevin Zraly, the world famous wine educator,
author, and the first celebrity to petition for a restraining order against
WinoBob, has accepted a full-time position with the Smith & Wollensky
Restaurant Group. Smith and Wollensky's Sept. 10 press release states that Kevin will be working with Danielle Price, S&W's Director of
Wine, to educate Smith & Wollensky staff in all of its
restaurants. In addition, they will develop a new series of seminars
focused on American wines for restaurant patrons. Zraly will also begin work
on a new book focused on American wines.
Zraly is well-known as
the founder of the Windows
on the World Wine School, which continues to operate at the Marriott
Marquis Hotel in Times Square as it has since Sept. 11, 2001. He is perhaps
better known as the author of America's best selling wine book, Windows
on the World Wine Course, which has sold more than two million
copies. He is a hero to the staff of WinoStuff for his efforts to
elevate and promote American wines.
staff of 'Stuff wishes Mr. Zraly all the best in this new endeavor.
World-famous wine educator, Kevin Zraly appears in this
file photo with WinoBob shortly before Bob spilled wine down Zraly's
back. The two have not appeared together in public since the 1999
September 13, 2003
Is your bung hole cracked and bulging? Are you tired
of your bung blowing out due to pressure buildup? Do you have
embarrassing bung leakage?
If you answered 'yes' to these questions, then you need a
Ferm-Rite Breathing Bung. That's right, Firm-Rite. The Original
a bad bung hole...
Our own bung expert, WinoBob, has brought to our attention a
breakthrough in modern bung technology, the breathing bung.
This is no ordinary bung. No, no, no, my wino friends. This is a
miracle bung! Because of their
unique two-piece design Ferm-Rite bungs stay in the bung hole, only
releasing pressure when it's time. You can relax with the
confidence that your bung hole is safe, secure, and leak proof.
Firm-Rite bungs, the
bungs that work year round!
For more information,
visit their website. www.ferm-rite.com
You are now free to go about your business...
October 1, 2003
Long time friend of
'Stuff and Honorary Wino, Big Bob Ferdon of Dreyfus, Ashby & Co,
will host a fundraiser on Friday, October 17 to benefit the Lakeland
Regional High School Scholarship Fund. Last year, the fund
The Big Guy writes,
"Come to Our Wine Tasting! (Hot & Cold Buffet too!)
It's on a Friday this year. (October 17th 6-9 PM)
There is no football game. There is no World Series game.
There is No Excuse!"
Big Bob Ferdon
The event will take
place at Berta's Chateau and will feature 150 different wines plus a
hot and cold buffet.
Tickets are $45 and must be purchased in advance. Tickets are
discounted to $40 for Borough Employees, Police Dept, Fire Dept and
Tickets are available at A & P Liquors, Olde Time Barber Cuts,
Wanaque Chiropractic, Kressaty's Pharmacy or call 973-248-8635.
You can also get your tickets on-line @ www.afamilytown.org
We encourage all
northern New Jersey winos to attend. Big Bob knows wine!
October 13, 2003
Fund Raiser is a Big Success!
Big Bob Ferdon of Dreyfus,
Ashby & Co reports that the fundraiser to benefit the Lakeland
Regional High School Scholarship Fund was a huge success. "We
hope to be able to award more than the $2000 which was raised at last year's
event," said Big Bob. "We would have raised several hundred
thousand dollars but WinoBob, in defiance of a court- issued restraining
order, crashed the tasting and drank up all the proceeds. He really is
a menace to society!" stated an obviously angered Big Bob. We
know how you feel, big fella...
Apparently WinoBob was late to the event as his team of attorneys worked
feverishly to find a loophole in the restraining order. At the last
minute, they played the race card (black-clad Polish stick figure) and
WinoBob was granted temporary immunity.
A disaster was avoided when BigBob adeptly dealt with the situation in
the only way possible. He squashed WinoBob like a..., well..., like a
black-clad Polish stick figure.
Big Bob Ferdon grasps WinoBob by the neck and puts an
end to his reign of terror...
On behalf of the entire staff at WinoStuff, we humbly apologize to
Dreyfus Ashby & Co, the town of Wanaque, the police departments of
Wanaque, Oakland, and Pompton Lakes, the staff and students of Lakeland
Regional High School, the staff at Berta's Chateau, all the attendees of the
fund raiser who may have been caught up in the WinoBob mass-consumption
vortex, and most importantly, to BigBob Ferdon.
For WinoBob's 'version' of what took place, click
October 13, 2003
These days, it seems that the wine world always wants to duke it out in
court. First, there were all those frivolous lawsuits involving the
French wine growers. Now the Italians are jumping into the game.
Spec reports that Italian Pino Grigio mega-producer, Santa
Margherita, is suing the importer of another Pinot Grigio for
trademark infringement. Santa Margherita claims that the label for
Tuscanini Pinot Grigio is too similar to the Santa Margherita label and that
can lead to consumer confusion. The plaintiff has the balls to argue
that, "If you put the bottles next to each other and take three steps
back, it's confusing." In my local wine store, if you take three
steps back from the Pinot Grigio, you're in the Chianti section.
Unable to make money on this dopey web site through product sales or
advertising, we at 'Stuff have also decided to jump into the lawsuit
game. We are suing the Warning Sign Industry for $100 trillion for blatantly
ripping off the WinoBob stick figure image. In fact, there is one guy who is
actually making a career out of using WinoBob's image. To visit his
website, click here...
Warning sign depicting Bob
going down into his cellar while it is on FIRE!!!
As soon as Johnnie Cochran returns my calls, we are on a lawsuit crusade,
baby! Watch out International Olympic Committee, you're
More examples of blatant stick figure image
November 1, 2003
Disturbance at Phelps Dinner
Last evening, the New Jersey- based wine retailer, Bottle King, hosted a very
nice dinner at Bacchus featuring the wines of Joseph Phelps Vineyards.
Joseph Phelps' CEO, Tom Shelton, was on hand to discuss Phelps' history and
their winemaking philosophy. Many of New Jersey's most notable winos were in
The evening was progressing nicely as the crowd seemed quite
impressed with both the food and the wine. And then it happened.
Again. Our own WinoBob, still healing from the 'Champagne saber
incident', was involved in yet another public brouhaha. It was
the same old scenario; WinoBob has way too much to drink, something is said, there's a push, then a shove, and
dinner party turns ugly. Suffice it to say that Phelps' CEO, Tom
Shelton, could more than hold his own against our habitual trash-talking,
trouble-making stick figure.
Joseph Phelps' CEO, Tom Shelton, convinces WinoBob to
Bottle King's very affable host, Larry Lascola
commented, "If I had known that you were bringing him, I
never would have sold you the tickets!" Damn. Now we're
black-listed from another important wine purveyor's events.
WinoBob's notoriety for
dinner-party antics dates back to the now-infamous Andrea
Immer incident and more recently includes scuffles with Veronique Drouhin and
Ferdon. Once again, I am forced to offer our apologies to all
those innocent bystanders who may have been caught up in the ruckus.
I'd like to say it won't happen again, but...
November 14, 2003
Those whacky French are at it again! In a move that
can only be described as irresponsible, a group of French winemakers
is encouraging the French people to drink and drive. Yes, that's
right, they want the French public to know that it is perfectly acceptable
to toss back a few bottles of some girly wine and get behind the wheel of
your Citroen. (Honestly, I'd have to toss back a few bottles before I
would be seen in a Citroen!)
The national car of Frogville
This bit of idiocy is completely contradictory to a French
government initiative to keep tipsy Frogs off the road.
So far, the government's campaign has been quite successful with restaurant
wine consumption down by 15% in just one year. More importantly,
"road deaths" fell more than 20 percent in the first 10 months of
this year. France's traffic death rate is still among the highest in
Pascal Rousseaux, director of a group called Afivin, which
is an umbrella group for wine producers, distributors and retailers, wants
diners to know that they can enjoy "two or three glasses" with
their meal and still be fit to drive. Pascal first gained national
prominence for his campaign to inform children that it is perfectly
acceptable to "run with scissors" and that rarely does anyone ever
"put an eye out"! (Pascal's children haven't been seen since
they eagerly "took candy from strangers".)
Hey Pascal, here's an idea. Chauffeur désigné.
November 24, 2003
Wine.com gets more cash!
After blowing though tens of trillions of dollars in
investor funds, wine.com is again raising capital. This time, wine.com
is getting $5 mil from Rojasi Venture Group and another private
investor. Early rumors indicated that wine.com was planning a hostile
takeover of another unnamed wine-related web site, one which hawks cheesy
T-shirts and a miracle red wine stain removing elixir. But,
alas, these rumors proved untrue. Wine.com is buying some company in
Oakland that makes gift baskets or something. Those idiots...
Although... check this out... wine.com Chief Executive,
Peter Ekman, says he would like to take wine.com public next year, "if
the market permits." Wine.com would then have the money to make a
few desired acquisitions.
Huh? Huh? We all know which "desired
acquisition" he was referring to!
Hey, it's the holiday season. I can hallucinate if I
Happy Holidays, winos!!!
December 15, 2003
Cult Members Only!
Bill Harlan, owner of the California Cult Cab house, Harlan Estate, is
embarking on a strange new journey. Harlan has started a new venture
called Napa Valley Reserve. In this new project,
"members" ante up $100,000 for the privilege of participating in
the entire winemaking process from the vineyard to the winery to the
packaging. No, Bill's groupies will not be working at Harlan Estate,
they will be working a plot of land in St. Helena which Harlan bought back
According to Harlan, the intent of the project is to give "serious
wine lovers the opportunity to learn about wine at the next level. To
understand the satisfaction that comes from working with the land and the
vagaries of working with Mother Nature." In addition to the $100k
entry fee, members get the privilege of paying $45 a pop for each bottle of
wine that they help produce (up to a maximum of 75 cases each). Harlan
hopes to eventually have up to 400 members.
Let's see... If we do the math... 400
dolts x $100k per, plus $45 a bottle x 75
cases x 12 bottles/case... If my calculations
are correct... That's a whole shitload of
money! This Harlan dude is a genius!
In a totally unrelated story, the management of WinoStuff.com proudly
announces the launch of a new project called The Wino
Stuff Reserve Club. The intent of the project is to give
"serious wine lovers the opportunity to learn about wine-related
website manage- ment at the next level. To understand the satisfaction that
comes from working with the internet and the vagaries of working with
WinoBob." In addition to the $100k entry fee, members get the
privilege of paying $45 a pop for each article that they help produce (up to
a maximum of 75 articles/year). WinoStuff hopes to eventually have up
to 400 members.
Hell, if we get one friggin' member, I can retire...
December 27, 2003
2001 Mouton Label
Each year for the past 80 years, Chateau Mouton Rothschild has hired a contemporary
artist to design the label for the new vintage. Past artists have
included such notables as Salvador Dalí, Jean Miró, Pablo Picasso, and
This year, the artist chosen to design Mouton's vintage 2001 label is
American stage director, Robert Wilson. An American artist was
chosen to "honor the United States’ resilience after the Sept. 11
The label depicts two mirror image portraits of Baroness Philippine de
Rothschild over a four color background. Wilson described the image as
"a symphony of colors in which the green vine shoots and the gold of
the sun harmonize with the chromatic scale of the wine, from light red to
2001 Mouton Label
The artist went on to say that he actually presented two
different label concepts to the Baroness for consideration. The second
label, which was not chosen, depicts two mirror image portraits of WinoBob
de Rothschild over a four color background. Wilson described the
second image as "a tribute to the resilience of the American liver with
the same symphony of colors gibberish."
2001 Mouton Label Runner-up
I think the Baroness made the right choice...
January 11, 2004
Those whacky glass blowers over at Riedel have been inhaling when they should
have been exhaling. Perhaps their
R&D department is bored, perhaps they have hired some former Arbor Mist
Marketing genius, I don't know. What I do know is that they are
starting to crack. Just look at their new product lineup...
The Riedel "O" Series
After convincing the wine-drinking world that you can't
properly enjoy your favorite wine without spending $50 on the glass,
the boys at Riedel are now telling us that you really don't need the stem to
enjoy that same beverage. (I think they had a little 'production
problem' and now they are trying to sell the glasses that had the stem break
off!) Marketed as the wine tumbler, the new vessel is reported
to be "the ideal glass for everyday use and for every occasion.
It is fun, feels good to hold, looks trendy and it works!"
(Designing a glass that "works" must be a real challenge...?)
The WinoStuff team of under- cover operatives (under the expert
tutelage of Spymaster General, WinoWally) has uncovered some of the new products on the
Riedel R&D horizon. We reserve judgment on these
yet to be released glasses...
January 24, 2004
Superbowl Scandal !!
What were they thinking? With more than 150 billion
people tuned in to the big game, the NFL put on a halftime show that was
more... uhhh... titillating... than anyone had
anticipated. Yes, I'm talking about Justin Timberlake bumping and
grinding and finally getting all grabby with Janet Jackson (sister of Wino
Wacko). All I can say is WOW. What were they thinking?
So far, the NFL has apologized. Janet Jackson has
apologized. NBC Television and MTV (who produced the halftime show)
have also apologized. Justin Timberlake blamed it all on some kind of
"wardrobe malfunction". Timberlake is reported to have
stated that, "I was just groping her boob and her uhhh... wardrobe
malfunctioned! Yeah that's it! Really!!"
The FCC has launched an investigation into what it calls a
"classless, crass and deplorable stunt."
"I have instructed the commission to open an immediate
investigation into last night's broadcast," said FCC Chairman Michael
Powell. The entire commission is reported to have grabbed a couple six
packs and some chips and salsa, and are prepared to replay the broadcast all
night long in order to fully understand the incident.
On a related note, a crazed Panther fan was arrested for
crashing the stage just moments after the boob incident. Unconfirmed
reports indicate that the drunken stick figure is actually a New
Jersey native. You don't think... ??? Noo..., it couldn't be...
here for more...
February 2, 2004
More Health News!!
Over the past four years, WinoStuff has repeatedly reported
on the tremendous health benefits associated with moderate wine
consumption. Your heart, lungs, brain, prostate, etc., can all benefit
from the complex chemical compounds found in wine. In fact,
resveratrol has even been found to fight cancer! Now, the Associated
Press is reporting that many of those same compounds are also found in
chocolate! CHOCOLATE!! This is almost too good to be true!
Many wine writers have written about pairing wine with
chocolate. WinoStuff recently won both the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes for
our definitive work on the subject. (Missed it? Click
here...) Now, in the wake of the news on the health
benefits of chocolate and amidst the controversy surrounding the Atkins
diet, WinoStuff presents the ultimate live longer diet, The WinoStuff
The WinoStuff ChocoRed Diet may not cause you to lose weight
but you will live to be 150 years old, minimum. Here's how it works:
Eat anything you want
End every meal with a bottle of your favorite red wine
and 8 oz of your favorite chocolate snack
Repeat steps 1 and 2 as necessary
As usual, before starting any diet, check with your
For the full AP article, click
February 11, 2004
Melee at The Manor !!
Despite the heightened security, despite the restraining order(s), despite
all attempts to keep him away, WinoBob managed to crash yet another elegant
and tasteful event. And once again, WinoBob got his butt kicked.
It started out to be a very nice wine tasting at The Manor restaurant in
West Orange, NJ. The Manor is somewhat of a landmark in this part
of the country. Great food, impeccable service, award- winning wine
list, etc. I was fortunate enough to have been invited to the tasting
which was hosted by our pal, Big Bob Ferdon of Dreyfus-Ashby. We (the
invited guests) were honored to have Laurent Drouhin of noted Burgundy
producer, Maison Joseph Drouhin, as the special guest. It had all the signs of
a memorable evening. Little did we know...
Somehow, WinoBob again managed to slip past the security guards. (Stick
figures can be quite stealthy.) Before I knew it, WinoBob was in a
heated discussion with Laurent. Bob made some off-color remark about
Laurent's sister, the very lovely and astute Veronique Drouhin (who herself
had a run- in with Bob a few years ago, click here for details on that incident...).
There was a scuffle, punches were thrown, and in an instant, Laurent had the
situation "under control".
Laurent Drouhin quells another WinoBob incident...
So, once again, I am forced to apologize to the Drouhin
family, The Manor restaurant, BigBob and the staff of Dreyfus-Ashby, the
state and local police, etc., etc. I would like to say that it won't
happen again but even I don't believe that...
February 21, 2004
Women Love 'Stuff !!!
In what can only be described as a career-ending move, the Wine Host at
BellaOnline.com has named WinoStuff.com as the Wine Site of the Month.
Yes, that's right, Paula S. W. Laurita, the wine brain over at BellaOnline and a
self- proclaimed enophile, (polite name for wino), has bucked conventional
wisdom and has chosen WinoStuff as the Wine Site of the Month. This action raises
two important questions.
1) What was she thinking? and 2) What's with the two middle
must be a slow month in the Wine Department over at Bella.
out the following link...
click here to read article...
Wait a minute! What seems to be missing from this
the last sentence...
"This month we salute Wino Bob, Wino Wally, and the
rest of the 'lunatic fringe'."
What seems to be missing here...? Wino Bob...
Wino Wally... Hmmm... Let's see... who's
missing here...? Yes, that's right, once again, I work my fingers to the bone on this
dopey site and what do I get? Just boney fingers! Geez...
off on a covert mission to restore order in Haiti (or Afghanistan or France.
I'm not sure.) and hasn't been seen in months. Bob lacks the sobriety
to do anything but post incoherent wino-babble. All the real high tech
work is left to you-know-who, and I get relegated to the "Lunatic
Fringe". Very nice...
Paula, we humbly thank you for this honor. And when the management at BellaOnline realizes what you have done, we
may have a position for you here at 'Stuff. It doesn't pay much
(actually, it doesn't pay anything) but if you can appreciate what we
do here, you belong here! But... you'll have to
lose one of those initials.
March 2, 2004
Gallo or Galleaux?
Gargantuan U.S. wine producer, E&J Gallo is at it
again. After convincing the American wine drinking public that Hearty
Burgundy doesn't really have to come from Burgundy, Ernie and Julie Gallo are planning to launch a new French
wine, rumored to be called Red Bicyclette. (WinoStuff has
learned that it doesn't really come from red bicycles.)
French eonophiles have long complained that Gallo's Hearty
Burgundy misleads the public into thinking that this plonk actually comes
from Burgundy, France. As any real wino knows, Gallo
Hearty Burgundy comes from Gallofornia, a rogue city/state on the west coast
of the United States. The French government actually considered
invading Gallofornia back in the 1960's to stop them from abusing the name
of Burgundy. However, the French military quickly realized that the
Gallo empire was too formidable and they promptly surrendered.
Gallo's annual production of Hearty Burgundy is roughly 1.21
giga-tons (approximately the volume of Lake Michigan).
An article in Decanter.com reports
that "details are still under wraps, but the wine will be produced in the Rhône
and Languedoc, and will probably retail for US$10." Decanter
also reports that "the label will be in English, and will feature an affable
Frenchman riding a red bicycle, with baguettes in the basket and a dog
Recognizing that they may have a credibility issue
trying to convince the US wine-drinking public that this wine really is
from France, and cognizant of our enormous popularity within the wino
community, Gallo has contracted with WinoStuff to design the label for this
new wine. Check this out...
March 12, 2004
National Wine Week !!!
As I watched Fox and Friends yesterday, I was shocked and
horrified to find out that next week is National Wine Week! National Wine
Week??? How could next week be National Wine Week? Who made that
decision and, more importantly, why weren't we consulted???
As it turns out, the meat-heads over at Smith &
Wollensky Restaurant Group do this event twice a year. They declare a
National Wine Week and they pour ten wines for $10 at lunch.
Hmmm... ten wines for ten bucks... As I think about it, that's
not a bad deal. However, they still should have contacted us first...
According to their website, nationalwineweek.com,
"National Wine Week is held twice a year, in March and September. Now
in its 19th year, Wine Week has grown into the premier wine event for people
outside the trade. Since its inception with only four restaurants and 20
vintners in 1985, an estimated three and a quarter million customers have
attended to date, and Wine Week has become a national event."
If you read further, you see exactly why we were not
consulted... "Working on the selections for March, (Smith&
Wollensky's) Vice President, Kevin Zraly, is deep in daily
conversation with vintners around the country." That's it.
Kevin Zraly. I believe the court order which bars us from all contact
with Mr. Zraly is still in effect. Damn!
For additional information on what sounds like a great week
of food and wine, or to be added to their mailing list, visit smithandwollensky.com
In an unabashed attempt to somehow capitalize on S&W's
great idea, WinoStuff officially declares next week to be "Good Buzz at
Lunch Week". Here's how the program works...
Go to any Smith & Wollensky's restaurant next week,
mention WinoStuff.com, and you'll get ten wines for 10 bucks (if you also
That should get their attention.
March 20, 2004
Wino Tutankhamun ??
A recent article in The Wine Spectator (your second best
source for Breaking Wine News!) reports that Egyptian boy-king, King
Tutankhaman, was a wino. Even more interesting is the fact that King
Tut was a RED wine wino! How do we know this? Science, damn
It appears that a crack team of Spanish scientists from the
University of Barcelona analyzed some residue found in the bottom of
vases from the tomb of King Tutankhamun. The scientistos reported that
they had detected traces of some compound found in red wine.
Wow. There you have it, proof positive that the Tut-man
was a red wino. Or was he????
The crack team of WinoStuff scientists, having watched way
too much CSI, have another theory. How do we know that the wine in the
vases didn't belong to the poor bastards that had to bury the
King? Think about it, it's hot there in Egypt. These guys just
carried a huge marble and gold sarcophagus halfway up a pyramid. They
finally lay the King to rest and they are a bit thirsty. Thank
goodness Abdul brought a couple vases of wine, you know, just to quench his
thirst. He and the rest of the slave gang polish off the vino and
leave the vases behind. Hey, it could happen.
And here's more evidence... A close examination of
some of the hieroglyphics found in Tut's tomb reveal that he was boycotting
France! I'm not kidding. Check out this WinoStuff exclusive
photo of the wall of Tut's tomb...
Consider the fact that they don't make wine in Egypt.
France was the only place you could get a decent bottle back in the 14th
century BC. Back then, if you were boycotting France, you weren't
drinking wine!!! Therefore, we contend that maybe the wine in Tut's
tomb was not Tut's! Case closed!
You don't get this kind of insightful analysis on just any
wine web site...
March 27, 2004
Gallo Gets Bigger!
No, not Gina Gallo. She's still the same size.
The gargantuan E & J Gallo winopoly is getting bigger. This time,
they are gobbling up Bridlewood Estate Winery, a 30,000 case per year producer
in the Santa Ynez Valley. An unnamed Gallo spokesperson stated that
this acquisition is "consistent with the corporate goal to own all of
Gallofornia... uhhh... I mean California." The
addition of Bridlewood brings Gallo's total production capacity to just over
a trillion barrels per day.
In addition to it's noteworthy Syarh, Bridlewood also makes
a Rhône-style blend, Cabernet, Chardonnay, Merlot, Pinot Noir, Sauvignon
Blanc and Zinfandel.
Here's the real story...
A few years ago, Gallo sued Bridlewood for some kind of
trademark infringement. (Apparently, E & J Gallo owns a 700,000
case per year brand called "Burlwood" which makes a cheesey white
zin.) Gallo was certain that consumers would confuse a decent
mid-market wine with their cheap plonk. (I would think that any
confusion would only help the Burlwood label, but what do I
know?) Bridlewood won the suit so Gallo said, 'No problem.
We'll just buy them."
There's a lesson to be learned here, winos. Develop a
brand that is similar to a big-name brand. Get sued. Win and
sell the brand. It's pure genius I tell you! Pure genius!
On an unrelated note, going forward, WinoStuff.com will be
known as ScreamingEagleStuff.com. Same high quality content, same
offbeat humor. No reason has been given for the change...
April 9, 2004
Wine and Technology
WinoStuff.com has often reported on the many health
benefits of moderate wine consumption. WinoBob's enormous world-wide
popularity is proof positive of the social benefits of (mass)
wine consumption. We have even reported on the disinfectant
properties of certain white wines. Now, a recent article on the
best wine website reports of yet another use for wine. A technological
It seems that a team of brainoids from the University of
Toledo have discovered that solar panels built with wine as an electrolytic
coating produce more electricity than panels manufactured with no
electrolyte. I don't know about you, but I find this news to be
groundbreaking. Maybe even earth shattering. Well, at least interesting.
I do have a few questions, however:
1) The University of Toledo? C'mon.
Toledo? Where are the brains from MIT and Stanford?
2) How did the dweebs "stumble" on this
discovery? (Hey, Ralph, you spilled wine on that experimental solar
panel! Don't tell the professor! He'll never notice!")
3) How will this discovery affect the world grape
glut? More importantly, how will this discovery affect the world plonk
market? (Beaujolais, Arbor Mist, etc.)
4) How can WinoStuff capitalize on this discovery? Can
you say "WinoStuff Magical Red Wine- Enhanced Electricity Producing
Solar Panels"? (You see now why I'm not in Marketing.)
Obviously more work needs to be done. And I don't
think we can count on the kids from Toledo to do it. No, this work
needs to be done by a crack team of wino-scientists from the (underfunded)
WinoStuff.com Research Labs. So, if you want to put bad wine to a good
use and reduce our dependence on foreign oil, send your
research grant money to:
WinoStuff Magical Red Wine-Enhanced Electricity Producing
Solar Panel Research Fund, PO Box 64, Caldwell NJ 07006.
Be a part of history! Send your contribution
now!!! (Note: Some funds may be used to buy wine for consumption by
the scientists while they think about the solar panel project...)
April 18, 2004
Legendary folk-rocker, Bob Dylan, has become the latest celebrity
to take the leap into the wine business. However, rather than buying
the land, planting the vines, waiting years for them to bear fruit, then
toiling in the vineyard to pick, crush and produce the wine, Bob has elected
to simply put his name on someone else's hard work. The gravelly
voiced rocker has teamed up with Italian winemaker, Antonio Terni, to
produce a blended red wine called Planet Waves. Apparently,
Antonio does all the work, slaps Dylan's name on the bottle and, viola!,
Bob Dylan is in the wine business! And what is Bob
Dylan's compensation for his tireless efforts to lend his name? Oh,
just a few hundred bottles of wine! Not too bad for doing absolutely nothing.
The 63 year old Dylan was also in the news recently when it
was announced that his music would be used in several Victoria's
Secret commercials. Bob even agreed to appear in a few of the
commercials himself. Hey, at least he's putting in a little effort in
You know, as I think about it, Bob Dylan has a pretty good
thing going. He can spend most of his time sitting around in his
living room, playing his guitar and drinking some free Dylan wine. If
he gets bored, he can jet off to Venice and hang out with Victoria's Secret
supermodels. In their underwear. While drinking free Dylan wine.
Damn! He's got a great thing going on!
I wonder if he would be interested in hawking Bob Dylan's Magical Red Wine Stain Removing Elixir.
Hey, it's worth a shot!
April 25, 2004
Noted film director-turned- winemaker, Francis Ford Coppola, has released a new
sparkling wine called Sofia. That fact, in and of itself, is
hardly newsworthy. It gets better. Sofia is named after
Coppola's daughter, Sofia, a credible director in her own right. OK,
that's kind of interesting but what makes this worthy of Breaking
News! status? Oh yeah, Sofia is available in 187ml CANS!
The Sofia Mini is a bright pink can of Blanc de Blancs sparkling
wine. Apparently, there is a certain demographic that is drawn to
single serving sparkling wines. In fact, reputable Champagne producer,
Piper-Heidsieck, markets Baby Piper in 187ml bottles to the nightclub
crowd. These wines are often sipped through a straw.
Niebaum-Coppola's president, Erle Martin (who presumably is not a
movie director), said that the winery is attempting to reach new customers.
The target audience is “the Sex in the City crowd,” Martin said.
“A 20-something, predominantly female, sophisticated, urban
Well, that goes without saying. All of the sophisticated, urban,
20-something, predominately female people that I know drink champagne out of
a can. With a straw...
The Coppola Can 'O Bubbly retails for about $5 and can be purchased in
4-packs or 24 can cases. Straws are not included.
May 10, 2004
- The Low Carb Beverage
the national frenzy for all things low carb, wine and beverage giant,
Brown-Forman Wines, has announced that they are releasing a low carb
wine. The collective marketing brains over a Brown-Forman have named
the new wines after their purported carb content, One.6 Chardonnay and
One.9 Merlot. (With this kind of creative genius, these guys should
be working over at Arbor Mist!)
to the Brown-Forman website, "One.6 Chardonnay and One.9 Merlot are a
result of careful grape selection, dry fermentation, and specific blending
to maximize the grapes full flavor and produce a consistent low-carb
count. The wines are analyzed along the way to ensure that they always
deliver on both great taste and the lower carb promise."
According to the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB), for a
wine to be considered low carb, it may contain no more than 7
grams of carbs per 5-ounce serving. It would appear, then, that the
Brown-Forman folks have nailed this one. Their low carb wines have
less than 2 carbs per serving. These guys really are geniuses!
... Or are they?
to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, most
dry wines fall well below the 7 gram threshold. In fact, the average
serving of wine contains only about 0.8 to 1.8
grams of carbohydrates!!! Whoa, Nelly! What is Brown-Forman
trying to do? Their One.6 Chard is actually pretty average in the
carb count department and the One.9 Merlot is above average!!
I think B-F is attempting to pull the proverbial wool over our collective
eyes. But don't worry, WinoStuff is here to protect you, the
unsuspecting wine consumer.
a related note, WinoStuff.com has been named The Official Low Carb
Wine-Related Web Site. Visiting WinoStuff.com will add approximately
zero grams of carbohydrate to your daily dietary intake. So we have
that going for us, you know, ... which is nice...
May 23, 2004
World War II Memorial
On this Memorial Day, we take a moment to remember all those brave men and
women who gave their lives so that we may live in freedom. We also
honor the men and women from the "greatest generation", the 16
million servicemen and women who served their country during World War II.
May 31, 2004
Ronald Reagan 1911-2004
Actor, Politician, Statesman.
Today, we mourn the passing of Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Our sincere condolences go out to his family.
June 5, 2004
Those whacky French are at it again! Just when you
thought your day was going to be mundane, you stumble onto something like
this. If nothing else, they do keep us entertained. Check this
industry trade association called The Bureau Interprofessionnel des
Vins de Bourgogne has plans to launch a new computer peripheral device
that will bring the "aromas" of Burgundy into your
home. (I've been to Burgundy and I'm not sure that I want some of
those aromas in my house!) Yes, that's right, The Bureau
Interprofessionnel des Vins de Bourgogne is working with France Telecom
on this device which stores chemicals and oils in small tanks and spritzes
them into your home when you click on various icons while taking a "virtual
tour" of Burgundy on their web site. The device is called the
Olfacom, but I have officially nicknamed it Le Stinkulator®.
Their goal is to get one of these Stinkulators® into every
home and they foresee a time when every French tourism website will
stink. I'm not making this up.
"Why stop there?" I look forward to a time when every
French website will stink. Just imagine surfing the web and coming
across some news article about the French Parliament. Click on their
site and voila! You can actually smell the lawmakers.
Or how about this... You're reading about a massive heat wave that
hits France and thousands of old people are dying in their
homes. Ewwww... better not go there...
Let's see if I
can summarize this... A group of French techno-geek winos is working
with the French phone company to develop a device that will spray some
simulated Frog stank into my living room. WinoBob, I have a birthday
coming up. This should be on the top of my gift list!
June 8, 2004
have the wine, medium rare...
You know, I
really hate to criticize the French. They have been such an
important part of the evolution of civilization. French food, The Renaissance,
French wine, French Toast. These innovations have had a lasting
impact on our collective culture. So who am I to question their
latest endeavor? So without any unnecesasary sarcasm, I offer you this article
which I clipped from the Chicago Sun Times (who clipped it from the Daily
PARIS -- Wine
is to be reclassified as a natural food rather than an alcoholic drink under French
law, if the combined forces of the country's wine
industry and a majority of its legislators have their way.
would allow wine makers greater latitude in
advertising their product at a time when French
wine consumption is falling.
ago, the average French consumer drank 134
bottles of wine a year, compared to only 77
The fall is
blamed on changes in working habits, the arrival of numerous new
alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, and government anti-drinking
I just wish
that I could make up this stuff. This can only be compared to
something as outrageous as naming a brewery as Winery of the
June 12, 2004
week, I reported that the rascally French are lobbying to classify wine
as a food! Well, was my face red when alert reader,
WinoCraig pointed out an interesting fact about the US Frozen Food
industry. It appears that that the US Department of Agriculture has
classified frozen French fries as Fresh Produce! I'm
not kidding! It appears that WinoCraig from the Great White North was out
surfing the web (looking for HockeyStuff.com or IThinkIHaveFrostbite.com)
and he stumbled upon our inane little domain. He noticed the French
Wine/Food story and he felt compelled to alert me to the USDA
decision. Here is a brief excerpt from the article...
Frozen Potato Products Institute appealed to the USDA in 2000 to change
its definition of fresh produce under PACA to include batter-coated,
frozen french fries, arguing that rolling potato slices in a starch
coating, frying them and freezing them is the equivalent of waxing a
cucumber or sweetening a strawberry.
The USDA agreed and, on June 2, 2003, the agency amended its PACA rules
to include what is described in court documents as the
the full story, click
thanks for pointing out this little, uhhh..., oversight on the part of the
USDA. I'm sure that they are in the process of rectifying the
June 23, 2004
of our original tag lines here at 'Stuff was "Relax, enjoy, and
drink more wine..." It now appears that the French have
taken this advice to heart. In light of declining sales of French
wines, falling prices and increased foreign competition, there is a
grassroots campaign underway in Frogland to "drink more
wine". French winemakers and a handful of lawmakers are
lobbying the Parliament to change advertising laws to allow more wine
advertising which would (hopefully) spur domestic sales. In a move
that can only be described as "Bob-esque", this group of wine
advocates figures that they can drink their way out of the current
worldwide wine glut. I have to give them credit. It is a very 'WinoStuff'
of the legislation argue that the average French citizen over the age of
14 already drinks 1/4 bottle of wine per day on average. Proponents
of the legislation argue that the average French citizen over the age of
14 only drinks 1/4 bottle of wine per day on average.
Many health workers are opposed to the new legislation and three medical
organizations have complained to the prime minister that the proposed
changes would fuel alcoholism. “What this amounts to is that we
can’t export all the wine we want to, so French people will have to
drink it,” said Alain Rigaud, president of the National Association for
the Prevention of Alcoholism and Addiction. France already has one
of the highest drunk-driving rates in Europe.
French law allows ads to contain only factual information about
alcoholic beverages such as the "name, manufacturer, alcohol content
and origin." Curiously, the law does not allow the wine
producers to say what grape varieties are actually in the bottle.
Here's a suggestion... Maybe if the bottle indicated what was inside
rather than where it came from, foreign consumers may be more inclined to
pop a French cork.
July 2, 2004
Official Team Wine...
you know anything about soccer, you know that the Boca Juniors are one of
the most popular soccer clubs in the world. Based in Argentina, Boca
is one of the oldest and most successful clubs in the sport. Now, it
appears that the Juniors are branching out. The Boca Juniors have
announced the release of their 2003 Cabernet Sauvignon called Boca
Premium. I'm sure this news has the wineries of Napa Valley
you know, Argentina has a thriving wine business. They also have a
fanatical soccer business. What could be better than combining
the two? The wine is being produced by a winery called Raices de Agrelo,
which is Spanish for "buy it or we will kill you". It will
sell for about $4 per bottle but will not be available in the US.
story raises interesting possibilities for the US wine industry.
What if your favorite sports team released a Team Wine? Would you
support the cause? I would certainly pick up some Screaming
Philadelphia Eagle Cab. I know Wally would buy the Baltimore
Ravenswood Zin by the case. WinoBob would be all over the New York
Giants White Zin.
us a line and let us know your team wine...
July 11, 2004
Sisters Winery to Distribute
WinoStuff's Magical Red Wine
Stain Removing Elixir!!
a bold marketing coup, Four Sisters Winery in Belvidere,
New Jersey, has officially teamed up with WinoStuff.com to offer
their visitors our specially-blended red wine stain remover.
WinoStuff’s Magical Red Wine
Stain Removing Elixir safely and effectively removes pesky stains from
linens and clothing, carpets and cats. Yes, folks, the chemistry is
FDA approved for use around pets and old people. Feel secure the next time
you drink more wine than your motor skills can handle. Those stains are no
match for WinoStuff’s Magical Red Wine
Stain Removing Elixir.
Do you see any stains on these
beautiful sun dresses? No! That's because
Four Sisters Winery uses WinoStuff''s Magical Red Wine Stain Removing