Old Breaking News!



This page has old WinoStuff Breaking News! articles from 2009 and 2010.

Looking for News from 2007 and 2008?  click here...  

If you missed some news from 2005 and 2006, click here.

If you have no life and need old news from 2003 or 2004, click here.  

If you are really pathetic and want to read older news from 2000-2002, click here.  And get a life! 

WinoJohn


Whackjob of the Week

Yeah, yeah, I know.  We have Wino of the Week.  We have Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week.  We even posted a single edition of Politician Train Wreck of the Week.   Why do we need Whackjob of the Week, you may ask.  My response?  Shut the F$@& up. We just do.

In this week's edition of Whackjob of the Week, we honor those boys and girls, men and women, liberals and...  well, probably mostly liberals... over there at the group known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  Yes, PETA.

What could those whacky whacksters possibly have done to earn themselves the prestigious Whackjob of the Week award?  Get this...  PETA is seriously campaigning to get people to start calling fish "sea kittens".  That's right, SEA KITTENS!!!  I guess that eating nothing but fruits and nuts makes you fruity and nutty...

Seriously, PETA wants to alter the "slithery and slimey" image of fish by highlighting their similarities to cuter, more popular animals.  Apparently, just like cats and dogs, fish are capable of showing physical affection, they feel pain, and they grieve when their companions die...  "It's time for a serious image makeover," PETA said in a statement.

While the campaign is aimed primarily at children, PETA has also launched a petition calling for the US Fish and Wildlife Service to abandon its backing for "sea kitten hunting" (fishing).

This whole laughable story raises several important and disturbing questions:

  1. What wine do you serve with Sea Kitten?

  2. Is Sea Kitten properly served with or without the head?

  3. If you specially prepare raw Sea Kitten, is it considered sushi?

  4. Will busy mothers be able to get their children to eat Sea Kitten sticks?

  5. Where is the best place to catch Sea Kittens?  At the Old Kittenin' Hole?

  6. If you serve Sea Kitten together with Land Kitten, can it legally be called Surf and Turf?


What wine to serve with Sea Kitten?

As far as I can tell, PETA has opened up a whole can 'o worms (or, as I like to call them, "Slime Puppies"...) with this issue!

WinoJohn
January 10, 2009 
 

 

Obama Cellar

The word is out that president-elect, Barack Obama, has a 1000 bottle wine cellar in his $1.6M house on the south side of Chicago.  What does Barry O keep in his cellar and what does this mean for the average American wine drinker?  These are the questions that we need answered.

A quick check of the facts (these are actual facts, not made-up facts) indicates that wine-drinking states overwhelmingly voted for the B-man.  Nine of the top ten wine-consuming states voted for Obama with only the state of Texas breaking rank.  Furthermore, 20 of the top 25 wine consuming states went Obamanation.  So what does the new prez drink?  I guess we'll see... 

All we know so far is that the inaugural lunch will feature a 2007 Duckhorn Sauvignon Blanc Napa Valley with the first course (seafood stew) and a 2005 Goldeneye Pinot Noir Anderson Valley with the second course (pheasant and duck with sour cherry chutney and molasses sweet potatoes.)  A special inaugural cuvee of Korbel Russian River Valley "champagne" is paired with the third course (apple cinnamon sponge cake with sweet cream).


Barack Obama enjoys a little bubbly...

That's it?  Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Noir and an American "Champagne"?   Damn, not only do I not like his politics, I don't like his wine.  It's going to be a long four years.

Sigh...

WinoJohn
January 17, 2009 
    

Wino of the Week

Here's a story from HeraldNet.com which, as you know, is the online news source for Snohomish County...

The HeraldNet reports that a man was arrested early in the morning of January 29 for stealing a vehicle.  When police pulled him over, they found a six-pack of beer and some beef jerky in the vehicle.  Furthermore, the police report indicated that the police officers smelled 'intoxicants' emitting from the man. 

Wow!  So there you have it.  Another amazing Wino of the Week story!!!  Some people are just incorrigible...

Wait...  What's that you say?  You're thinking, "That's it?  That's the whole story?  WinoJohn, have you been hitting the bottle again while researching Breaking News?"  (Well, yes.  "Hitting the bottle" makes it so much easier to sift through the sea of idiocy in search of Breaking News.  But I digress...)

 Perhaps I left a few details out of the story...  Let me see...

Oh, yes.  Here you go...  A few more details...

  • The guy was clocked doing... get this...  2 MPH!!!

  • The vehicle in question was a Genie Boom Model Z-45/25J otherwise known as a cherrypicker.

  • The unnamed suspect claims that he didn't "steal" the articulating boom truck, he was just "using" it to go to 7-11

OK.  Now we see the details that qualified this guy for Wino of the Week status.  Yet this whole disturbing case raises several important questions:

  1. Why was the guy only doing 2 MPH?  Everyone knows that the Model Z-45/25J is one of the fastest cherrypickers on the market today with a top speed of well over 3 MPH!

  2. Did the cops really need to use a radar gun to clock this guy's speed?  I mean a radar gun is probably only accurate to +/- 2 MPH anyway.  With that margin of error, the guy may have actually been standing still!

  3. Wouldn't it actually be faster to walk to 7-11 rather than steal a ride that will only do 3?

So there's clearly a lesson to be learned here...  but I'm at a loss to tell you what it is.  Beer, beef jerky and industrial lifts don't mix?  There may be something valuable on the roof of 7-11?  I don't know...  If you see a lesson here, please let me know.


The unnamed suspect is seen "hanging around" 7-11

WinoJohn
January 31, 2009

French Wine Fraud

According to our pals at Decanter.com (the best place on the internet to plagiarize real wine news!), those rascally French are at it again.  And, yet again, we Yanks are the victims of their hideous crime.  Check this out...

Decanter.com reports that over the last four years, several hundred thousand hectoliters of crap wine from the Aude region of Languedoc-Roussillon was fraudulently labeled as "Pinot Noir" from the Vin de Pays d'Oc and exported into the US.  Those Frog BASTARDS!!!  There they go again!  When will they ever learn?  They can't just throw around words like "hectoliters".  We're NOT metric!  If you are going to fraudulently sell wine in this country, you must sell it in gallons!!!  Damn you French...

But anyway, there is apparently a BIG investigation underway in France.  A bunch of individual winemakers, cooperatives, the Ducasse negociant firm and the Sieur d'Arques wine company are all under investigation.  According to the report, from 2005 to 2008, "over 120,000 hectoliters of this falsely-lableled Pinot Noir were sold every year into the US..."   EVERY YEAR!!!   Those Frog bastards!!!   It only took the local French government's anti-fraud unit four years to realize that they were exporting 120,000 hectoliters of Vin de Pays Pinot Noir every year even though they only produce a total of 50,000 hectoliters per year.  Yeah, they're on the ball over there in the French Wine Anti-Fraud unit.

Why is this such a big deal, you may ask?  Go ahead.  Ask.   C'mon,...   we're waiting...   Well, it appears that Pinot Noir sells for about double the price of the usual plonk from this region.  So these French bastards are selling us crap.  And charging us twice as much!!!   (Thank goodness I don't drink Pinot Noir!)  I think it may be time for another one of our famous WinoStuff.com BOYCOTTS...  You know, we have this weapon in our arsenal.  We hate to use it but sometimes you just have to pull out the big BOYCOTT gun.  WinoBob, put this matter on the agenda for the next meeting of the WinoStuff Subcommittee on French Affairs and Potential Boycotts.


Chief Inspector Clouseau of the French Wine Anti-Fraud Unit
suspects that there may be a problem...

WinoJohn
February 14, 2009 
     

 

Breaking News!!!

Special Double Bonus Edition

If you follow this lame site, you know that every once in a while, some drunkard does something completely stupid and gets himself (or herself) honored with our very special award, Wino of the Week.  Even more rarely, some idiot does something completely absurd (without the aid of alcohol) and earns himself (or herself) Whackjob of the Week honors.  This week, we enjoy the ultra-rare double whammy, the elusive double eagle, that once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence.  Yes, winos, this week we recognize a Wino of the Week and a Whackjob of the Week.  It doesn’t get much better than this…

Oops, did I say it doesn’t get any better than this?  Well it does…  This week, our Wino of the Week is a chimpanzee (our first non-human Wino of the Week)!  And the Whackjob of the Week is the chimp’s owner.  Congratulations are in order for Sandra Herold and her chimp, Travis. 

You probably heard the story, Travis the chimp went a little nuts and mauled Sandra’s friend, Charla Nash.  The police were called and the chimp was ultimately killed but not before severely injuring Ms. Nash and tearing up a couple police cars.  (Some cartoonist at the New York post used an image of the cops shooting the monkey in a cartoon and the biggest whackjob of them all, Al Sharpton, is accusing the Post, Fox News and Rupert Murdoch of being racist.  I’d name the reverend Al as our Whackjob of the Week but I don’t need a bunch of nut bags protesting outside the WinoStuff corporate offices.  Again.)

So anyway, details have emerged that the relationship between Sandra and Travis was…  well… a little “unusual”.  Sandra told investigators that she and Travis (the CHIMPANZEE) would often enjoy a nice steak and a glass of wine before "snuggling in bed together".   Excuse me…   blecchhhh…   BLECCCHHHHH!!!!!   Sorry about that.  It’s not often that I barf while writing this column.  Anyway, any chimp that drinks wine is automatically eligible for Wino of the Week honors.  And any wine-drinking chimp who goes nuts and eats a woman’s face is a surefire winner!

Oh, and what about Sandra, the owner?   Does sleeping with a drunk chimp really qualify you for Whackjob of the Week honors?  Are we lowering our standards just to achieve the double junk?  I don’t think so.  As it turns out, when Travis first started misbehaving, Sandra gave him some tea.  Laced with Xanax.  OK!!!   There we go!  We have a winner!  Now we’re talking Whackjob of the Week!!!


File photo of "Travis the Chimp" before he went bonkers...
 

WinoJohn
February 22, 2009

French Government Advises:
Stop Drinking Wine!

In a move that can only be described as political mass suicide, members of the French Ministry of Health have advised the French people to stop drinking wine.  I'm not making this up.  The Frog government is telling the Frog people to do something that would not only devastate the Frog economy but it would probably also lower their overall health.  Only in France...

According to our friends at Decanter.com, France's Ministry of Health has published guidelines which advise that "the consumption of alcohol, and especially wine, is discouraged."  Citing findings by the French National Cancer Institute, the health ministers advise that consumption of only a small amount of alcohol can increase the risk of mouth and throat cancer by 168%.  The cancer institute president, Dominique Maraninchi, said that "small daily doses of alcohol are the most harmful.  There is no amount, however small, which is good for you."

Well, to me it seems obvious.  If small daily doses of wine are the most harmful, we should be consuming large daily doses of wine!  Right?  C'mon, WinoStuff has often reported on the many health benefits of drinking wine.  The long discussed "French Paradox" notes that French people have relatively low rates of coronary heart disease even though they typically consume relatively large amounts of saturated fat in their diets.  The reason for this is wine.  They drink a lot of wine.  Are those French health ministers really that dense?

Let's take it one step further.  Over the last 20 years, average wine consumption by the French has declined substantially.  (I don't know why, it just has...).  Over that same time period, the cancer rate among the French people has doubled.  Voila!  There you go!  A direct correlation!  If you drink less wine, you'll develop cancer.  Period.  Try that on for size, Monsieur Health Minister. 

Here's one more indisputable fact in the argument over wine's health benefits.  WinoBob personally consumes several hundred hectoliters of wine per week in the performance of his WinoStuff duties.  (I don't know what a hectoliter is but Bob does and he's the one consuming them!)   When I first met Bob 15 years ago, he was just a sickly stick figure with a near-zero body mass.  Today, Bob is the picture of health, albeit a picture of a healthy stick figure with a near-zero body mass.  What a transformation!  And to what does Bob attribute this amazing turnaround?  You guessed it...  his daily mass consumption of red wine.  I rest my case.


WinoBob in 1990 and WinoBob today.  The difference?
Several hundred thousand bottles of red wine!

WinoJohn
March 1, 2009 
  

 

Poor Unfortunate Bastard
of the Week

Yes, it's a new category.  Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the WeekPUBotW, for short.  This week, I came across a story that didn't fit into any of our existing categories.  If this guy had been drinking, he would have qualified for Wino of the Week.  If he had done something really stupid and gotten himself killed or arrested, he would qualify for Whackjob of the Week.  But, unfortunately, that is not the case.  But yet, his story screamed to be told.  Literally...

It seems that there was this poor unfortunate bastard named Haris, living in some remote village in Indonesia.  One day recently, he was going about his daily chores.  He was unloading sand from a horse-drawn cart.  The horse was an unpredictable sort named Bundi.  That afternoon, Haris' life would change dramatically as he found himself being rushed to the hospital.  His is a particularly painful story.

So what caused Haris' to be rushed to the hospital (and subsequently earn Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week honors)?  Well, it's like this...  Without any notice or provocation, the horse, Bundi, lunged at Haris...   and...  ummm...  bit off one of his testicles!!!!   OUUCCHHHH!!  Owww!!  Oh, my god, my boys are cramping up just reporting this story...

Fortunately, the horse spit out the severed teste and some lucky villager ended up with a souvenir and a great story to tell the grandkids.

I'm sorry, did I just say that the dude had one of his balls bitten off???   OUUCCCHHHHH!!!!!   OWWWWW!!!  Ughhhhh.....!!!  Man, I can't get this image out of my head.  An equine-induced nad-ectomey.  The poor guy was dejeweled by some old nag.  It really doesn't get much worse than this.

I was going to Photoshop something to depict Haris' terrible plight but, frankly, it was making me sick.  So I have added the following snippets.  Feel free to Photoshop these images into something truly disturbing...

WinoJohn
March 16, 2009 

 

Sideways Goes (Far) East

The 2004 movie, Sideways, which was based in the wine regions of Santa Barbara, California, is getting a Japanese makeover.  And not all California wineries are thrilled with the idea.

Sideways is generally considered to have killed the merlot business in California (although one could argue that bad merlot killed the merlot business in California...).  For that reason, many California wine producers were reluctant to grant permission for the remake of Sideways to be filmed at their wineries.  No one wants to shoot themselves in the foot by promoting a film that may ultimately have a negative impact on their sales.  Recently, however, several high profile wineries such as Beringer, Domaine Chandon and Frog's Leap have relented and granted permission.

If you recall, sales of merlot dropped dramatically in the US after the release of the original Sideways movie in which the main character speaks disparagingly about merlot (while at the same time promoting pinot noir...?  What's up with that?).

The Japanese Sideways movie is due out in Japan in the fall...


Filming has begun on the Japanese remake of Sideways...

WinoJohn
March 27, 2009 

 

Paris Gets Naked for Champagne!

A few years ago, we reported that Paris Hilton likes it (champagne) in the can.  Missed it?  Click here...    Paris promoting champagne seemed like a respectable gig.  After all, the chick had previously starred in some homemade porn.  She went to parties without underwear. She did a little stint in jail.  She was all over the map.  Well, Paris is back in the news again.  What did Paris do this time?  Well, the multimillionaire heiress posed for an ad for that same champagne (Rich Prosecco)!  Ummm…  this time, she was...  naked.  I have just one thing to say to Paris Hilton.   Thank You!!!

I’m so tired of hearing about new, mass-produced cheap wines with labels depicting cute little animals (White Tail, Smoking Loon, Black Swan, Monkey Bay, 3 Blind Moose, Little Penguin, etc.) or "edgy" names (Fat Bastard, Cleavage Creek, Bitch (grenache), Big Ass Cab, Menage a Trois, etc.)    I recently read a disturbing statistic that said that new wines with funny animal names, fuzzy critters on the label or edgy names outsell other new wines by more than 2 to 1.    I just don’t get it. 

So, when I saw the new wine ad from Rich Prosecco, I thought, “these guys are geniuses”!   Fat old middle-aged men don’t want cute wine labels.  We want just one thing…   Hot Rich Naked Chick Wine.  In a can.  Is that too much to ask?

Neither the geniuses at Rich Prosecco nor the lovely and talented Paris Hilton would return my calls so I can’t post their comments.  But that’s OK, I have pictures…

After all, whenever I find myself naked in the hot desert sun and I happen to be painted gold, all I want is a nice can of champagne...

WinoJohn
April 18, 2009 

Wino(s) of the Week!

This week, the crack WinoStuff Awards Committee traveled overseas.  Across the pond, to be exact.  And what did we find over in merry old England?  We found our Wino of the Week, of course.  Actually, we found our Winos of the Week.

Yes, friends, this week our Winos of the Week are loyal subjects of the British monarchy.  Right then, cheerio, stiff upper lip, and all that.   What did these two Brits do to earn the Wino of the Week honors?  Well, check this out…

Joy Taylor and Phil Carden, both in their early thirties,  had a little too much to drink (always a prerequisite to Wino of the Week recognition) and proceeded to…  get this… HAVE SEX!!!  Can you believe it?  They had sex!!  Well, there you go!  Bloody well right, Winos of the Week!!!  

Oh, wait, there’s more…  This amorous British couple not only had sex, they had sex... in broad daylight!  Outside!  On the lawn of WINDSOR CASTLE!!!  Oh yeah, now we’re talking.  Winos of the Week.  I would go so far as to say that they are in serious contention for Winos of the Year!

Apparently, the inebriated couple stripped down to their birthday suits and proceeded to go at it on the lawn of the castle.  Guards in the castle, as well as multitudes of tourists, watched the couple go at it for nearly twenty minutes.  Many of the tourists actually photographed and video-taped the lawn romp.  Near the conclusion of the festivities, the couple was arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers.  (Editor’s note:  Phil,  dude, twenty minutes?  If you’re going to perform on the world stage, you’re going to have to bring your “A” game…) 

So, our hats are off to Joy and Phil.  Congratulations, you whacky Brits.  You are our Winos of the Week!


Her Royal Majesty, the Queen, is not amused
with the view from her living room window...


WinoJohn
May 3, 2009

Wino(s) of the Week!

For the second week in a row, we are naming two people as our Winos of the Week.  Although, this week, "naming" them was not so easy... 

Here's the story...  About a week ago, two guys were out having a good time, probably drinking a few beers.  We've all been there...  You toss back a few cold ones, you're heading out to get in your car to go home and you feel the urge...  You gotta take a leak but you have already left the bar.  Maybe there's a cover charge, maybe there's someone in the bar you don't want to see again.   Whatever.  You don't want to go back inside.  What do you do?  I'll tell you what you don't do...  You don't piss on the car next to yours. 

Last week, two men in Pullman, Washington did just that.  Yes, our Winos of the Week violated some kind of unwritten guy law.  It may even be the eleventh commandment...  XI.)  Thou Shalt Not Piss on Thy Neighbor's Car.  Well these two guys did just that and guess what?  Let's just say it didn't turn out so well.  It seems that the owner of the other car was actually IN the car at the time.  And, as you might imagine, he was none too pleased with the flagrant violation of man law and he took matters into his own hands.  He grabbed a golf club from his car and he beat the piss out of the two perpetrators.  (No pun intended.)  Both men were injured.  One of the perps was hospitalized with a fractured arm. 

And the best part?  The owner of the now urine-scented auto, he got away before the police arrived.

In this violence prone society, this story raises several important questions:

  1. If you catch someone peeing on your car, do you choose a fairway wood or a long iron with which to exact your revenge?

  2. If your very first swing at the perpetrators misses, can you use a Mulligan and not count that stroke?

  3. If one of the offending pee-ers should come to rest on the cart path, are you allowed to move him before resuming your swinging?

  4. What is par for beating two idiots?  4 strokes?  5?

Unfortunately, I could not, for the life of me, find the names of these two idiots before naming them WotW.  So, to you two anonymous A-holes, congratulations!  You are our Winos of the Week!


WinoJohn
May 17, 2009 
 

US Government Proposes Increase in Alcohol Tax!!


Our pals in Washington, have come up with another ingenious idea.  Recognizing that $3 or $4 trillion in deficit spending is not enough to reform our national health care system, the Senate Finance Committee is proposing that we raise the tax on alcoholic beverages in order to provide health insurance for the estimated 50 million uninsured Americans. 

The existing tax on a 750ml bottle of wine is currently $0.21.  Under the new legislation, the federal tax on a bottle of wine would increase to $0.70.  Some might argue that this is only a 49 cent increase.  That may seem insignificant to some but to others, this represents a significant increase in spending.  For WinoBob alone, this amounts to a potential out of pocket cost of tens of thousands of dollars per year.  

What does this mean to wine producers?  Well, to the ultra premium category it may be insignificant.  Who cares if you pay $100 for a cult cab or $100.49?  Those people won't even feel the pain.  But for producers like Charles Shaw, it could mean changing an entire brand.  After all, who is going to buy "Two Buck Forty Nine Cent Chuck"?  It just doesn't have the same ring...

Well, I for one am not happy.  I think I'm going to write a letter.  To my Senator.  Oh yeah, I live in New Jersey.  It won't matter if I write a letter (unless that letter contains a little 'payola', if you know what I mean...)

Sigh.

But you can do something, people.  Get up off your butts and do something!  Anaything!  Make a call.  Write a letter.  Stage a protest.  Do what the radical French winemakers, the CRAV,  are doing.  Set off a few firecrackers and run away.  (Hey, it may not be "daring" but at least they are doing something!)

As they say over in Nike-ville, "Just DO IT!"

WinoJohn
May 30, 2009 
  

Wino of the Week!!!

This week, we turn to the friendly skies of United Airlines to find an absolutely standout wino.  Check this out...

In Britain, Galina Rusanova is known as a respected artist, actress and author who rubs elbows with the rich and famous at London parties and charity events.  She would appear to be a real upscale, "society" type.  Last month, however, Ms. Rusanova took a trip to Los Angeles to meet some dude she met over the internet.  I'm guessing that the encounter didn't go so well...

On the flight back to London, the lovely and talented Galina went a little...  let's say...  'bonkers'.  Apparently, about three hours into the flight, Galina became a little agitated.  After mixing wine with prescription drugs, Ms. Rusanova began moving about the cabin, bothering other passengers and mumbling incoherently.  It was at this point, the Russian-born artist decided to drink a whole bottle of hand soap from the airplane restroom.  When the flight attendants tried to calm her, Galina attacked them and, at one point, she is alleged to have "dropped to the floor and started snapping like a dog...".  She even tried to bite a flight attendant.

Unfortunately, the pilots decided to end the episode early by diverting the flight to Bangor, Maine where the FBI arrested her.  (Apparently, the FBI has no sense of humor when it comes to drunk chicks, hand soap and airplanes!)

Wow.  That's one sloppy drunk...


Rare file photo of British socialite, Galina Rusinova
preparing for Happy Hour...

You don't see over-the-top, extreme wino behavior like this very often.  In fact, in my thirty-something years of excess wine consumption, I don't ever remember barking like a dog and biting a flight attendant.  And it's been years  months  weeks since I've seen WinoBob drink a full bottle of hand soap.  It just doesn't happen very often.  But when it does, we all get to enjoy the story of a new Wino of the Week!

WinoJohn
June 20, 2009 
 

 

Hip Hop Cognac!!!

In a move that is reminiscent of something out of Saturday Night Live, American hip hop/rap star, Ludacris, has announced that he is launching his own brand of Cognac.  Born Christopher Bridges, Ludacris has partnered with a Norwegian-owned Cognac producer to create a brand that he calls Conjure.  Ludacris went to Cognac and personally blended 14 different cognacs to come up with Conjure.  Conjure will debut in Norway in July and in the US in September.  (Debut in Norway?  What up wit' dat?)

Ludacris, who is famous for such notable albums as Word of Mouf and songs such as Move Bitch, may seem an unlikely Cognac producer but we are reminded of the great 1990s SNL character, Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows), aka The Ladies Man.  Leon Phelps single-handedly introduced Courvoisier to a new generation of cognac lovers.  Perhaps Mr. Ludacris can have the same effect on my kids...  (God, I hope not...)


Chris "Ludacris" Bridges conjuring up
a way to sell Cognac...


Leon Phelps knows how to sell Cognac...

WinoJohn
July 3, 2009 

 

A Bottle of Coke...

Owners and winemakers from Vinos Kohlberg in Bolivia were shocked to find out that a shipment of their Bodegas Kohlberg wine was being held up by customs officers in Bulgaria.  It was probably just a paperwork snafu.  Apparently, the paperwork indicated that the 1020 bottles of Bodegas Kohlberg contained wine from the southern Bolivia winery.  In fact, 952 of the bottles contained LIQUID COCAINE!!!  Those customs inspectors can be so picky...

Obviously, officials at the winery are denying any involvement.  'This illegal action is absolutely not what we stand for,' said Lisette Kohlberg.  Duhhh??  Thanks for that update, Lisette.  We thought that maybe bottling liquid cocaine was part of your  business plan...  After all, Bolivia is the third largest cocaine producer in the world.  If you want to be number one, you have to get innovative!

The news of this adulterated wine raises several troubling questions:

  • What food do you pair with liquid cocaine?

  • What is the appropriate stemware to use?

  • Do you seal bottles of liquid cocaine with cork or twist-off?

  • Does terroir come into play when you are making liquid cocaine?

And most importantly,

  • Does Bottle King carry liquid cocaine?
     

WinoJohn
July 19, 2009 

 

Wino of the Week...

Once again, we feel the need to pay tribute to someone who, at some point in time, consumed a little too much alcohol and did something that is truly newsworthy.  This week we again look across the pond to find our most deserving recipient.

Where do I begin...?  Well, it seems this bloke named Stuart Keen had a little too much to drink.  (I suppose all WotW stories start with something similar to this...).  Being a professional carpenter, Stuart got a little buzzed and felt the need to cut some wood for a cabinet that he was making in his home woodshop.  Yada, yada, yada, the Emergency Services operator (the UK equivalent of the 911 operator) received a call pleading, "Help me!  I'm bleeding to death!" 

Well, as you probably know, alcohol and woodworking tools don't mix.  Or you could say that friends don't let friends saw drunk.  You could say any number of things but what you can't say is that Mr. Keen's penis remained attached to his body.  Yes, that's right winos, Stuart Keen, the very unlucky recipient of this week's Wino of the Week award, sawed off his johnson.  (Insert your own "wood"-related joke here...)

When the police and ambulance crews arrived at Mr. Keen's home in Wantage, Oxfordshire, they found him and his "little buddy" in the bath tub and they immediately rushed him to the hospital.  Doctors managed to reattach the little fella and are reporting that things are "looking up".  (Sorry, I just made that last part up...).

Now check this out...  Severing his man tool may not have been the most embarrassing part of this whole incident.  Reporters on the scene questioned his 84 year old mother, Edna, about the incident.  Edna stated that, "Stuart had a very nasty accident with a saw but he is recovering now.  He suffered tissue damage and had surgery to stitch him up which, I understand, was successful."   Edna went on to say that, "This was an unfortunate accident but these things happen all the time to people in his profession."   Jeez!  This happens all the time to British carpenters?  (Note to self:  Sears is having a good sale on cabinets...)

WinoJohn
August 1, 2009 

 

We're Baaaack...

Wow.  A lot has happened since I last updated this lame site.  First of all, we had a massive computer virus attack that shut down all our servers and crippled all of our creative capabilities.  We went to Defcon 1, maximum security mode, and we battened down all the hatches.  (Note to Bob:  We need better hatches...)  We used every tool in the arsenal (including locking WinoBob in a hardened bunker for a few days) but the attack proved to be too lethal for even the biggest brains in the WinoStuff Cyber Security Lab.  We ended up punting.  I broke down and reloaded the OS on the Uber Server that houses ‘Stuff.  It was a tough couple of weeks.  But now we’re back and we’re better (soberer) than ever!

There were many topics that I had considered writing about for this 2nd coming of Breaking News.  On the one hand, we had the Serena Williams meltdown on center court at the US Open.  There was no clear tie between her behavior and alcohol (other than the obvious appearance that she had to be hammered) so we couldn’t honor her with Wino of the Week.

I had considered creating a new category called F’ing Douche Bag of the Week.  Kanye West would have been the clear winner of that distinction but we decided that we did not want to give douche bags a bad name…

So we finally  came up with this story for our Back to School Edition of Breaking News…

Recently, police in Fargo, North Dakota, responded to a complaint of a loud party at the home of 64-year-old Dennis Fike. While they were there, Fike told police that he needed to go to the bathroom but since there weren't enough officers present to escort him to the bathroom, they told him he would have to wait.

Well, it appears that Mr. Fike couldn't (or wouldn't) wait.  (Or, I'm guessing that maybe Dennis had a little too much beer...)   Dennis proceeded to drop his drawers and  take a dump.  Right there.  In his living room....  As if that wasn't bad enough, Mr. Fike decided that perhaps he should kick the shit (literally) at the police officers. 

I'm going out on a limb here but I'm guessing that police officers do not like having fresh shit kicked in their direction.  Naturally, Mr. Fike spent the evening in the Fargo county slammer.  (And, more importantly, he earned himself
WinoStuff Wino of the Week honors!)

My question is exactly how drunk do you have to be to take a shit, in your living room, with all your guests watching, while the police are waiting to arrest you?  Personally, if the police show up at my house to quiet things down, I’m going to do my best to not shit right then and there.  But that’s just me…

So congratulations, Dennis, you have done yourself proud...

WinoJohn
September 15, 2009

 

Whackjob of the Week...

Yes, friends, this week we enjoy another edition of Whackjob of the Week.  In this week's episode, there is no clearly-stated wine component (otherwise this would be a Wino of the Week article) but I think we can all surmise that our Whackjob of the Week has some long term, alcohol-induced brain impairment.  Check this out...

It seems that a Mr. Dalton Chiscolm of New York (?) was unhappy with the service he was receiving from his banking institution.  Apparently, Bank of America had rejected several checks that Mr. Chiscolm had either written or tried to cash because there were problems with the routing numbers.  Mr. Chiscolm called the bank to discuss the matter but was unhappy with the service he received from a "Spanish womn".  So Dalton did what any red-blooded American whackjob would do, he sued the bank.

Now here's where it gets interesting.  Apparently, Mr. Chiscolm feels that he is due compensation for his suffering in the amount of...  get this...  $1.784 billion trillion.  Yes, "billion trillion'.  That's a lot of money.

As if Bank of America doesn't already have enough problems, now this dissatisfied customer wants BofA to fork over $1.784 billion trillion.  To put this in perspective, $1.784 billion trillion is roughly equal to the Gross Domestic Product of the entire world for the next 30 billion years!!!   Ummm...  good luck with that...

This isn't Mr. Chiscolm's first brush with mega lawsuits.  In January of this year, Dalton was unhappy with his landlord.  I guess there was a problem with the building maintenance staff entering his apartment.  So he sued his landlord for a much more reasonable $892 million billion.  (I suppose he knew that his landlord, unlike Bank of America, could never come up with a billion trillion dollars...).  In his complaint against the landlord, Mr. Chiscolm states that "Manerment nor mainterntmen had no atcuse's to go in my apartment what so ever I had to keep a lock no the kichen cabernit."  (Do you see why I think there may be some brain impairment?)   The court dismissed this previous lawsuit.

So congratulations, Dalton.  While it's unlikely that you will prevail in your suit against Bank of America, maybe they will settle out of court for a few hundred bazillion jillion.

WinoJohn
September 27, 2009

 

Wine, Women and...  well, that's enough!

You know, I was just about to write a Breaking News article about the five highly-educated, obviously intoxicated individuals who squandered $1.4 million.  But then I realized it was already all over the news and no one really cared that the Norwegian Nobel Prize Committee had awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to someone who has done...  well...  nothing.  Then I stumbled onto some real Breaking News.  Check this out...

Two of my favorite subjects made the news this week; wine and naked French women.  Yes, you heard me, naked French women...  

Last weekend, a bunch of French women got naked and frolicked in a vineyard in Burgundy to raise awareness about global warming (and the ultimate impact that climate changes will have on French wine). 

The whole thing was filmed by the famous naked people photographer, Spencer Tunick.  Granted, the whole event was orchestrated in conjunction with Greenpeace and there were a bunch of hairy old naked French dudes there, too, but there were NAKED FRENCH WOMEN!  Outside!  In a vineyard!!!   If you could access the NFL Game Day package (and get rid of the hairy naked French dudes) and this could be utopia! 

According to a recent Greenpeace report, because of the warmer temperatures, "Wines end up having higher sugar levels and alcohol content while retaining less acids - which means they are unbalanced with an overripe flavour and heavier texture."  In anticipation of the U.N.'s Climate Change Conference to be held in Copenhagen in December, Greenpeace has addressed an open letter to Nobel Peace Prize winner, President Obama, along with non-Nobel award winner, President Merkel, and other heads of state.  In the letter Greenpeace writes:

We're not asking you to take your clothes off in Copenhagen - but we do expect you to be there - to sign a fair, ambitious and binding deal to save the future of our planet. A half-decent climate treaty simply won't do.

We'll see if a bunch of naked French women are enough to influence the world leaders' decisions (or if the naked French dudes ruined the entire plan...).


A bunch of naked French women and (unfortunately) a bunch of naked French dudes send a message to world leaders in Copenhagen.

You can see the news video on dailymotion.com by clicking here...

WinoJohn
October 10, 2009

 

Wino of the Week!

As we recover from yet another successful fest (this time it was Turkeyfest 2009®), we pay tribute to all those who partake of a little alcohol and who don't know better than to stay home when they get hammered.  One such individual warrants special attention.  Yeah.  This dude is clearly our Wino of the Week.  He wins, hands down...

Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT WinoBob.  (Bob can drink way more and still function much better...)

WinoJohn
November 6, 2009

 

Wino of the Week!

This week, we look to the land down under to find our Wino of the Week.  This may be a first for WotW.  We'll call it Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition!  (Hey, if the NFL can have Thursday Night Football Special Saturday Night Edition, we can have WotW-SDUE!)

Any way, it appears that some young New Zealand teenagers were out having a good time (i.e. drinking) when one of the females in the group thought that it would be a good idea to stand by the side of the road and flash her breasts at cars out on the motorway.  Congratulations, Cherelle May Dudfield of Welling ton, New Zealand, you are our Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition!

OK, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "WinoJohn, what is the harm in a few whacky kids having some good clean fun???"  Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too, until I heard that one of the passing motorists was so distracted by the young girl's breastsss that he had an accident!  Whoa, now that's news, isn't it?

Again, I know what you're thinking...  You're thinking, "OK, WinoJohn, get on with it and show us the pictures of the young New Zealand girl breasts!"  Yes, you are clearly on to my clever ploy to show some breasts on this web site under the thinly veiled guise of "wine-related news."  I am so predictable...

But wait!  Hold on just one minute there people.  You don't really think that a drunk chick flashing her hooters qualifies for Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition, do you?  No, no, no.  Clearly there's more...

Apparently, Ms. Dudfield was out on the median of a four lane highway, showing off her assets.  They must have been some pretty good assets because the distracted driver... ran her over!!!  Yeah, people, now we're talking Wino of the Week - Special down Under Edition!

Fortunately for Cherelle (and her breasts) she suffered only minor injuries (which, I presume, did not involve her breasts...?)


The unidentified driver (who resembles WinoBob) appears dazed. 
Cherelle Dudfield's breasts came through uninjured.

WinoJohn
December 19, 2009

 

Wino of the Week!

From the Don't Try This at Home department, we bring you this week's Wino of the Week feature... 

A South Dakota woman recently tried to break WinoBob's Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) record.  (Again, don't try this at home.  WinoBob is a trained professional with a bionic liver. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!) Back in December, Marguerite Engle was arrested for driving while intoxicated in Sturgis, SD.  Ms. Engle's BAC was measured at 0.708, almost nine times the legal limit.  Oh yeah, she was found passed out behind the wheel.  Of a stolen van.  With drugs in the vehicle...

Now we can all clearly see the amateur mistakes that Marguerite made in her quest for Wino gold.  First, if you are going for the record, you never do it when you need to drive somewhere.  Second, if you need to drive somewhere, make sure you have a vehicle available, preferably one that you own.  And third, just say "No" to drugs.  Any experienced wino knows these rules.

While Marguerite's BAC clocked in at 0.709 (that's .709%), she was no where near the actual record.  WinoBob holds the world record at 97.5 (that's 97.5%) which he achieved at CabFest II just minutes before sinking slowly into the WinoJohn sectional couch.  WinoBob also holds the Olympic record at 93.2% which he achieved at the '82 WinOlympics in Montreal. 

For the record, Marguerite was arrested again a few weeks later with a BAC of more than 3 1/2 times the legal limit.  You have to give her credit for trying...

WinoJohn
January 31, 2010 

 

Frog Fraud Update...

Alert winos will recall that last year, we reported on a massive fraud perpetrated by the French wine industry on the unsuspecting American wine consumer.  (What?  You don't remember that?  Why not?  Click here...)

Anyway, sober WinoStuff fans will recall that we reported one year ago that mass quantities of French plonk was being sold to American importers as pricier Pinot Noir by a group of French winemakers and wine traders.   Well this past week, those French crooks were convicted of some very serious shenanigans, namely "fraud in the quality and composition of wine".  I'm not sure but I would like to think that "wine fraud" is taken seriously in France.  I'm sure that all those involved in this crime will do some serious jail time.  After all, wine is like the national product of France.  Screw with the wine business and you are screwing with all that is near and dear to the French people, not to mention the French economy!  I'm sure these thieves will get their just punishment!

Upon further investigation, I guess I'm wrong.  I guess wine fraud is like jaywalking in France.  The reputed kingpin of this scheme, Claude Courset of the Ducasse wine trading company, was given the stiffest sentence of the twelve convicted fraudsters.  He was given a six month suspended sentence and a $61,000 fine.  That's it.  $61,000 dollars.  Given the extremely weak dollar, that's like a day's pay in France.  (Keep in mind that the fraud netted this criminal enterprise millions of dollars in ill-gotten profits and drained a large portion of that huge wine lake that has formed in the wine regions of France.) 

Well, I for one am outraged.  I'm thinking about firing up the old boycott engine.  We haven't had a good boycott in years and I'm itching to boycott something.  This could be good.  The frogs passed off syrah and merlot as "good pinot noir" (as if that's not an oxymoron), and Americans were victimized.  We could boycott French pinot noir and it would have literally no impact on my overall wine drinking habits.  This could be interesting.  Stay tuned...  (I can hear the steam coming out of BigBob's ears right now...)

Oh yeah, here's the best part of the story...  Most of this fraud plonk was sold to the mega US wine merchant, E&J Gallo of Modesto, California.  If my memory is correct (and what are the chances of that?), Ernie and Julie sold the stuff under their Red Bicyclette brand.  As far as I know, there were no complaints.  What does that tell you?  Maybe that cheap merlot and syrah are more palatable to the American consumer than "good" pinot noir?  Hmmm...   Interesting...

On one final note.  If I'm not mistaken, the Gallo family is a proud ITALIAN-American family, with good ITALIAN-American values.  Like the values of honesty, integrity and family.  As in "you don't mess with the family..."  Unless you like sleeping with the fishes.  Let's see what Ernie and Julie come back with...

WinoJohn
February 21, 2010 

 

Winos of the Week!

This week, the WinoStuff Breaking News team goes out on another limb.  That's right, we are taking a position that may be considered controversial on the world stage.  We have decided to honor an entire team of foreigners, not all of whom are even of legal drinking age!  This week's Winos of the Week are none other than the Canadian Women's Olympic Hockey team!!!  Wow!  Now that's controversial!

OK, so they are Canadian.  That's not really very "foreign".  It's not like they are from Uzbekistan.  So what?  They are from a foreign country and they did win the Olympic Gold Medal in Vancouver.  That's enough to earn them Wino of the Week honors if I you ask me!

What?  You don't think so?  Well, check this out...

  1. They are young, hot, world-class female athletes...

  2. Some of them probably have French accents...

  3. They just beat the US Hockey team for the gold medal, and

  4. If that's not enough, after winning the gold medal, they partied like it's 1999!!!   

They partied so hard, in fact, that they received an official reprimand from the International Olympic Committee (a committee, by the way, that is completely devoid of hot, young, female hockey players with French accents...)!!!  It appears that after winning the gold, the Canadian women hung around on the ice and partied hard, long after all the fans left the building.  They cracked open some bubbly, they had a few beers.  They even fired up a few stogies.  For these actions, we APPLAUD you Canadians!  That's exactly what we would have done if we could actually skate, much less win a gold medal!

WinoStuff's Olympic Female Hockey correspondent, WinoBob, was on special assignment in Vancouver and he captured all the festivities...


Not quite grasping the concept, WinoBob parties like it's 1972...

So, screw you, IOC, and congratulations, Canada!  This Bud's for you!

Here are a few more pics for all you winos that feel the way we do...

WinoJohn
February 27, 2010 

 

Fess Parker - Dead at 85

Fess Parker, a 20 year veteran winemaker, passed away this past week in his home in Santa Ynez Valley, Ca.  He was 85 years old.

Fess Parker is perhaps best known as Walt Disney's "Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier".  After a successful run as Davey Crockett, Fess Parker went on to star on the NBC television show, "Daniel Boone".

In 1989, Mr. Parker turned his interest in wine into a family business.  The Fess Parker Winery operates in the Foxen Canyon wine trail in Los Olivos, CA and they farm 300 acres of vineyards in the Santa Ynez Valley. 

Fess Parker Winery produced many highly rated wines and are perhaps best known for their Syrah, Chardonnay and Pinot Noir.

Our sympathies go out the the entire Parker family.


Fess Parker 1924-2010

WinoJohn
March 20, 2010

 

Hello Kiddies...

From our "This Is Just Wrong Department" comes this news item…   Lovable children’s character, Hello Kitty, is now being pimped out to promote a line of Italian wines.   Yes, on the surface, this would appear to be a violation of most liquor laws, wine labeling laws, child protection laws and good old common sense.  However, a line of Hello Kitty wines is now being marketed to wine lovers of (hopefully) legal drinking age and not to prepubescent young girls.

Hello Kitty Wines were originally conceived by an Italian fashion company, Camomilla S.p.A.  Camomilla already does a huge amount of business manufacturing and selling other Hello Kitty licensed merchandise.  They partnered up with Torti "Tenimenti Castelrotto" winery to produce the wines and Innovation Spirits is the US distribution agent for Hello Kitty wines. 

The HK wine lineup will initially include:

Hello Kitty Sparkling Brut Rosé - A sparkling rose made from 100% Pinot Noir

Hello Kitty Sparkling "Sweet Pink" – A  semi-sweet sparkler

Hello Kitty Angel White  - A  white wine made entirely from Pinot Noir free run juice

Hello Kitty Devil Red – A traditional red Pinot Noir

Although the brand owner is confident that the typical Hello Kitty fan has grown up and is now of legal age to consume alcoholic beverages, I still think this is a bit creepy.  And frankly, I’m surprised that the crack team of label inspectors over there at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms hasn’t raised the red flag on this one.  If this is allowed to proceed, what’s next?


Hello Kitty Smokes

 


Hello Kitty Automatic Weapons


Hello Kitty Thongs

Hmmm...   Maybe the typical Hello Kitty fan is all grown up...

Never mind.

WinoJohn
April 3, 2010 

 

Wino of the Week

This week, we cross the pond to recognize the accomplishments of one truly dedicated and passionate wino.  Last week, a 20 year old Briton named Laura Hall became the first person to be banned from EVERY bar, pub and/or club in Great Britain.  It seems that in her short alcohol-consuming career, Ms. Hall has received 26 alcohol-related convictions including assault, attacking a police officer, and criminal damage.  She has 12 convictions just for drunk and disorderly behavior!  

Under the terms of the ban, Laura faces a £2,500 fine if she is caught drinking in public in the next two years.  Not surprisingly, she has also been kicked out of her parents home in Bromsgrove, Worcestershire.

Here's the bonus info that made Laura a lock for Wino of the Week...   A few days after the ban went into effect, Ms. Hall was hauled into court AGAIN for drunken behavior.  You gotta admire her commitment.  These are the traits that make a truly memorable Wino of the Week!


Laura Hall - Banned from every bar and club in the UK

Recognizing this serious and dangerous anti-social behavior, WinoStuff asked several noted experts in the field to comment on Ms. Hall's chronic alcohol abuse.  Here's what they had to say...

  • “You can't change what you don't acknowledge.”  -  Dr. Phil

  • “A female with a record like this - it's absolutely despicable and represents all that is rotten in society nowadays.”  - District Judge Bruce Morgan, presiding judge over Ms. Hall's most recent hearing

  • “The treatment for your problem is the Twelve-Step recovery program, Alcoholics Anonymous.  Listen to the process, be open to the fellowship, obtain your own sponsor, and actually work the steps. With that, your chances of recovery are quite good, if you're ready. ” - Dr. Drew, host of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew

  • “I'm of the school of thought where, if you can't sort something out for yourself, no one can help you. Rehab is great for some people but not others.” -  Amy Winehouse, famous celebrity train wreck

  •  “I'd hit that...”  - WinoBob, noted wine writer who has been banned from every bar in 83 countries

OK, Laura, you've achieved the ultimate in social recognition.  You are our Wino of the Week.  Now PLEASE, put down the bottle...

WinoJohn
April 27, 2010

WinoNation of the Week


OK, here's a first...   This week, we are officially recognizing the excessive alcohol consumption habits of an entire nation.  (You don't get this type of insightful journalism on just any lame website!)  Yes, friends, this month we honor the efforts of the United Kingdom to support alcohol sales through mass consumption, providing some level of economic relief to the beverage industry in these difficult times. 

What prompted this seemingly artificial award?  Well, check this out.  About a year ago, we honored a British couple for getting drunk and having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle.  Shortly thereafter, we recognized a British artist/actress for getting hammered on a plane and drinking a bottle of hand-soap.  In July of last year, we honored a British carpenter for getting drunk and sawing of his penis.  More recently, we honored Laura Hall of the UK for being arrested more than 26 times for alcohol-related offenses and for being banned from every bar and club in Great Britain.  You just can't make this shit up!  (Actually, you can make this shit up but, in these cases, I didn't make this shit up!)  Missed those articles?  click here...

In doing research for this update, I came across a recent article about a man who was arrested for driving drunk.  In a pink toy Barbie car.  Where was this genius from?  Colchester, England, of course.  Today, I read an article that said that the typical Brit goes to work hungover three times per month on average.  Now that's a commitment to the cause!  It's only going to get worse as the World Cup soccer tournament nears.


WinoBob celebrates Britain's
WinoNation of the Week award

So, congratulations, mates!  The entire alcohol industry (and this stupid web site) appreciate your efforts.

WinoJohn
May 29, 2010

Breaking News!!!

Yeah, people, I know...   I left the recent "Wino Nation of the Week" article posted on this site for way too long.  (About a month too long, but who's counting?)  But, in my defense, it was Britain.  And the Brits like to consume their tipple.  In fact, I was having a hard time finding alcohol-related news that did not involve a British citizen.  Take for example the recently released story of Steven Perkins, an oil futures broker in London who got a little hammered last summer and started buying huge volumes of Brent crude oil for no apparent reason.  In fact, Mr. Perkins bought a little over 7 million barrels of the benchmark crude causing world oil prices to spike to their highest levels of the year.  If you do the math, Steven spent over $500 million of his employers money!  (This could be the largest alcohol-induced spending binge since my Wife had a few too many Champagnes and went on a shoe-buying spree at the Short Hills Mall.  But I digress...).

As interesting as that story may be, I didn't want to report on the shenanigans of yet another drunken Brit.  I was looking for something new to report.  Plus, I am so tired of hearing the same things in the news every day.  It is all starting to sound the same.  I think I can sum up the entire world's news in the last 4 weeks in one sentence.  Check this out...  Lebron James is still trying to decide whether to join BP after a massive oil spill caused Chelsea Clinton to lose her new iPhone and Tiger Woods defeated the new Arizona immigration law in World Cup Soccer action.  There.  That's it.  That's all that has happened since we named Britain as Wino Nation of the Week.  Jeez.  Cut me a break...

So just when you thought there was no news worthy of this lame site, along comes this tasty little tidbit...

Celebrity Wino Politician Perv of the Week

Yes, fans, we are getting word that our beloved former Vice President, Al Gore, got a little "tipsy" (and a little "handsy") with a 54 year old masseuse a few years back.  Calling the former Veep a "crazed sex poodle", the unnamed woman claims that Big Al fondled and groped her during a massage session at the Hotel Lucia in 2006.  Despite her objections, Mr. Gore forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed and forcibly French kissed her.  During the encounter, she believes Al was sporting an "inconvenient erection".  Police have recently reopened the investigation...

You know, you can't make this stuff up.  (I could make this stuff up but then I'd have an army of lawyers banging on my door and who wants that???)

So, for actions unbecoming of a former vice president (but very becoming of a Celebrity Wino Politician Perv of the Week), we honor Al Gore.  Politician, Environmental Activist, Celebrity Film Maker, Wino, Pervert.  Congratulations, Mr. Vice President!

WinoJohn
July 5, 2010

 

Wino of the Week

This week, people, we have to look in-house to find our Wino of the Week. Yes, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, one of our own has distinguished himself in a manner truly befitting this honor.  I am pleased to announce, for the very first time, our own Director of Creative Something or Another, WinoBob, has been awarded the very dubious yet coveted title of Wino of the Week!

So, I know what you are thinking...   You're thinking, "The fix was in.  What could WinoBob possibly have done that could elevate him to this highest honor?"  Or, "How could WinoBob possibly have outdistanced the incredible competition from an entire Wino Nation (Britain)?"  Here's your answer.  How's this for a truly exceptional wino performance...

After proclaiming for weeks that World Cup Soccer doesn't get exciting until the 89th minute, WinoBob shows up at the very humble WinoJohn home/office/small cottage in the 89th minute of the championship game between Spain and The Netherlands.  Between the 89th minute and the end of the game, WinoBob proceeded to singlehandedly down four bottles cases of wine.  (In his defense, the game did go into overtime.  And actually, I did get a small taste of one of the wines while I was preparing the beefsteak for the barbeque.)  Once the final whistle was blown and Spain was declared the world champion, WinoBob went into a little drunken futbol frenzy.  He grabbed his vuvuzela and stampeded out to the simple, yet tasteful, WinoJohn deck.  Unfortunately, the screen door to the deck was closed at that moment...  The rest, as they say, is WinoStuff history.


WinoBob celebrates Spain's victory

Despite what you may have read on other wine-related websites or on other pages of this stupid site (or on the "Police Blotter" in the local papers), this is how it really happened.  You can't make this stuff up.

Needless to say, I'm going to have to move...

WinoJohn
July 18, 2010

 

Free Lindsay!

Yes, friends, it is time that we all pull together in a grass-roots effort to free the poster child for hard core partying.  As you know, Lindsay Lohan is incarcerated at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, CA.  (Yes, the same facility that once housed party girl / heiress / porn star, Paris Hilton!)  Li Lo is doing time for some sort of "probation violation".  Can you believe that?  It's time that we end this miscarriage of justice!

What?  WinoJohn, are you getting all soft-hearted on us?  What's going on?  Well, I'll tell you what's going on.  This is what's going on.  Lindsay does NOT belong in jail.  That's what's going on!!!  Check this out...

  1. Lindsay is a party girl.  i.e. a "wino".  Winos don't belong in jail.

  2. Alcohol monitoring bracelets can't slow this girl down.  She is a PROFESSIONAL!

  3. This girl can pack away the booze.  She is like a female version of WinoBob.  But with better boobs.

  4. She is some kind of bisexual which means she is like half-lesbian.  That's cool.

  5. The other prisoners are reportedly taunting her by screaming "fire crotch!" at her.   (As hot as that sounds, you know, with hot prison chicks taunting each other before engaging in an actual prison cat fight, with hair pulling and scratching and tearing off of prison clothes,...    Wait.  What was I saying...?  I lost my train of thought...)

  6. And, most importantly, when she gets out of the slammer, Lindsay is supposedly making a movie about Linda Lovelace.  Yes, THAT Linda Lovelace!

Did you hear that, people, Lindsay is going to make a movie about a '70s porn star and she can't make the movie WHILE SHE'S IN PRISON!!!  Therefore, we are requesting demanding the immediate release of Lindsay Lohan!!!  On... ummm...  humanitarian grounds!  (It is inhumane to deprive us of Lindsay as Linda!)  We will not rest until Lindsay is released and permitted to begin filming her next project.  FREE LINDSAY!!!

Are you with me, people???


A small group of protesters outside the Century Regional Detention Facility demanding LiLo's release.

WinoJohn
July 25, 2010

Call Starkist...

Do you remember Ron Howard's classic 1982 movie Night Shift?  In that movie, Michael Keaton's character has an idea that could reshape the way we enjoy canned seafood.  "What if we feed the tuna mayonnaise???"  Think about it...   It's sheer comedic brilliance!  (Unlike this site which is sheer comedic nonsense...).

Well some beef producers in western Canada have taken that idea to heart.  No, they are not feeding mayonnaise to tuna.  They are, however, feeding wine to their cattle!  What a great idea!  I'm speechless.

According to Janice Ravndahl of Sezmu Meats in British Columbia, "You don't get any better than steak and wine.  We just start a bit earlier."  This cattle woman (and shoe-in for future WinoBabe of the Month) is clearly a genius.  WinoBob, why can't we think up cool stuff like this?

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency checked into the situation to make sure that wine-fed beef is safe to eat.  While they have not formally approved the process, they have concluded that there is no risk to human safety as a result of eating this beef.  And the best part is, according to those who have tasted the product, the beef has an "enhanced flavor, the marbling is finer and the fat tastes like candy." 

If you think I'm making this up, click here...   I have only one thing to say..., "Road Trip!"


WinoBob goes undercover to investigate
this Breaking News story...

 

WinoJohn
August 29, 2010 

Wino of the Week
and
Bonehead of the Week

This week, we bring you a daily double.  A double whammy.  A twin bill, if you will...  Two notable winos in one excellent wino adventure.  Mark this on your calendar...

 

Last week, an obviously-intoxicated hot chick (we'll call her Jennifer Gille from St. Claire Shores, Michigan) got into a cab in Louisiana.  The cab was driven buy some presumably-sober cab driver.  The obviously-intoxicated hot chick proceeded to do two things that put her in the running for WotW honors...  1) She took off all her clothes, and 2) she demanded to be taken to Michigan!  Ordinarily, that would be enough to win Wino of the Week honors but it gets better. 

 

The presumably-sober cab driver did the unthinkable.  He drove to the local police station to ask for help!!!  (Dude, what's up with that???)  While the cab driver was out of the car (we'll call him Bonehead of the Week), the obviously-intoxicated hot chick climbed into the front seat of the cab and, you guessed it, she drove away. 

 

Intoxicated hot chick (and Wino of the Week), Jennifer Gille smiles for the camera at the Covington, La. police station

 

Police found the cab about a block away.  Jennifer was still in the cab, still drunk, still naked and presumably still hot.  The cab driver not only got his car back but he also now owns the dubious title of WinoStuff's Bonehead of the Week.
 

WinoJohn
September 18, 2010

Mafia in the Vineyard?
 

Grape growers in parts of France are reporting that the Mafia has come to town (and I sense that surrender is imminent...).  Why do these otherwise-intelligent French farmers think that organized crime has invaded the vineyards? Well, here's the deal... 

 

Increasing numbers of French winemakers are going to bed at night only to wake up in the morning to find that some or all of their fully-ripened grapes are gone.  Kaput.  Missing.  As in, "they were there on the vines when I went to bed last night and they were gone this morning when I woke up...".  According to British web site, Telegraph.co.uk, "the criminals strip acres of vines bare and, overnight, take what can represent a year's work for the farmer...".  (Note to WinoBob:  Dude, why didn't we think of that!!!???)   Because of the heinous nature of the crimes, the French farmers are quick to blame "the mafia".  Those darn frogs, they crack me up!  (A more realistic theory is that the thieves are professionals in the wine industry.)

However, one French detective came right out and said that he feared “a wine mafia gang” was behind the thefts.  He added: “We are undoubtedly dealing with the kind of upmarket criminals who steal old master paintings and antiques to order.” 

Uhhh... slow down there, Inspector Clouseau.  It's a pretty big step to go from stealing unguarded grapes at night to lifting a Picasso from the Louvre...

It does seem that the crime is becoming somewhat "spree-like", however.  Take, for example the following recent nighttime robberies:

  • One farmer in the Langudoc had his entire crop stolen in a few hours one night.

  • Some 35 tons of Cabernet Sauvignon were stolen from a vineyard near Villeneuve-les-Beziers in the south east of France

  • Similar crimes have taken place across the Languedoc-Roussillon, one of France’s major wine regions.

  • In Germany, an entire hill of premium grapes was stolen one night in Hamburg.

While the crimes are financially damaging to the grape growers, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the mob is not involved.  In fact, if the farmers were paying for the right kind of "protection", there wouldn't be no stinkin' problem, if you know what I mean...


Surveillance photo shows grainy image of suspected
European nighttime grape thief...

On an unrelated note, WinoBob is in Europe on entirely unrelated business.  He's over there doing completely unrelated electronical business stuff. Coincidence?  Absolutely.  And you don't need to be askin' no more questions if you know what's good for you...

WinoJohn
October 8, 2010 

Drugged-up Celebrity Whore-Monger of the Week
 

If you're a regular here on WinoStuff, you know that we often honor the drunken antics of our favorite celebrities with a little thing we call Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week.  You have to do something pretty special to earn that honor.  Previous winners include hard core train wrecks such as Linsday Lohan, Paris Hilton, Heather Locklear, Plaxico Burress and Britney Spears.  We've even had a very narrowly focused and somewhat-related offshoot award called Celebrity Wino Politician Perv of the Week (Al Gore).  But you know, sometimes "Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week" just isn't enough.  Sometimes the antics are just too monumental and they require an honorarium that matches the feat.  So this week, we name our first Drugged-up Celebrity Whore-Monger of the Week.  And there is only one individual that merits this kind of award.  Congratulations go out to the one, the only...  Charlie Sheen!!!

 

If you people would just put down the bottle for a second, you would know that Charlie boy got himself into a bit of trouble this past week.  The story allegedly goes something like this...  (I say "allegedly" because Charlie makes a lot of money and he probably has a whole boat load of lawyers just itching to sue some lame web site that reports on his troubles.  For the record, this whole thing is ALLEGED...)

 

New York City police were called to a disturbance at the Plaza Hotel last Monday night.  The cops entered the room where the ruckus was taking place just after 2 am.  They found Charlie Sheen in the room drunk.  And naked!  The room was in tatters and the chandelier was broken.  There was also a terrified porn star/prostitute locked in the bathroom.  She was also naked.  She's the one that called the cops.  Police sources report that Charlie was "intoxicated, irrational and emotionally disturbed."  They gave him a choice...  go to a hospital or to jail.  Charlie chose the hospital option.  (On a humorous note, Charlie's people subsequently put out a statement that said "Charlie just had an allergic reaction to some medication"...  Now that's funny!)

 

Ok, I know what you are thinking.  You're thinking, "Wow, pretty impressive.  Charlie got caught with his pants down.  Nice.  But is that really enough to earn Drugged-up Celebrity Whore-Monger of the Week honors?  C'mon, have you guys lowered your standards?"  To that I can only say, relax, there's more...

 

Earlier in the evening, Charlie was found naked in the bathroom of Daniel restaurant in New York.  (Apparently, Charlie likes to be naked...)  His face was covered with cocaine (ALLEGEDLY!!!  I meant to say ALLEGEDLY!)  RadarOnline.com reports that a source with knowledge of the situation said that, "He was snorting cocaine and drinking vodka.  He was also drinking wine.  And he was wasted." 

 

OK, so let's put this all in perspective:

  • Drunk and naked in his room with a terrified porn star/prostitute when the police arrive

  • Drunk and naked and covered in cocaine in an upscale restaurant bathroom (trying to have sex with the same aforementioned porn star/prostitute)

  • Makes nearly $2 million per week on a sitcom

  • Previously married to uber-minky, Denise Richards

  • Life in shambles and he's still partying like it's 1999

  • Did I mention the porn star/prostitute?

Folks, I think we have a winner.  For actions way above and beyond the call of duty, we hereby name Charlie Sheen as WinoStuff's first Drugged-up Celebrity Whore-Monger of the Week!  Congratulations, Charlie.  Your mother must be very proud...

WinoJohn
October 29, 2010

HOLIDAY FEST!!!
 

Yes, boys and girls, last night the staff of 'Stuff (and several close personal friends) celebrated the season with our annual Holiday Fest.  I'm happy to report that we all survived with our livers intact (more or less...).  Wino Odd Job proved once again that he has culinary skills par excellence.   The food was terrific, the wines were magnificent and the camaraderie was...  well...  a little scary. 

 

Check this out...   This is what I walked into upon my arrival at the fest:

 


WinoStuff's Holiday Fest 2010

 

I didn't bother to write down the names of all the wines.  I'm sure someone with better recording skills than I will have taken care of that.  I was too preoccupied with maximizing my consumption profile.  So many wines, so little time.  Wino OJ served up some big hunks of red meat and tiny little taters along with some other veggies.  There were appetizers and, of course, chocolate brownies for dessert.  It was quite a night of food and drink.

 

Every time we put on our festing shoes, I learn a little more about this group of misfits that I call my friends.  For example, this year I learned that:

  • For some unknown reason, WinoBob recently had an entire watermelon surgically implanted into his belly

  • Despite his massive bald cranium, BigBob is surprisingly quite the stud muffin

  • During his formative childhood years, WinoBob was once lashed to a lolly column in his basement and was touched inappropriately by members of a teenage rock band (this explains a lot!)

  • During his rebellious teenage years, Wino Rocker played in a rock band and often practiced in WinoBob's basement (yeah, you can put two and two together...)

  • While making jokes about one another's teenage daughters is generally verboten, all bets are off during a fest

  • WinoBob should never be left in close proximity to battery operated Christmas toys (trust me, there is video...)

  • Even after a night of drunken debauchery, Wino Rocker likes to end the evening wearing something pretty from Frederick's of Hollywood

OK.  That's a little disturbing insight into the individuals behind this website.  There was nothing disturbing about myself that was revealed last night, but the fact that I hang out with these people reveals a lot about my demented state of mind...

 

You may notice that The Other Bob was conspicuously absent from this year's fest.  That's because The Other Bob is sashaying around southeast Asia in the performance of his dweeb day job.  Although The OB couldn't be with us last night, he was with us in spirit.  In fact, he had his own little fest over there in Asia and he sent me the following picture depicting his holiday feast.  Mmmm, mmmm  good!

 


The Other Bob's Taiwan Fest 2010

 

Mike, thanks again for your generous hospitality.  I don't know why you put up with our shenanigans every year but we are truly appreciative!

WinoJohn
December 18, 2010 
   


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