Old Breaking News!



This page has old WinoStuff Breaking News! articles from 2011 and 2012 (and a few from 2013... before the mysterious "disappearance"...).  Too new for you?  Try News From 2009 and 2010...  click here...

Looking for News from 2007 and 2008?  click here...  

If you missed some news from 2005 and 2006, click here.

If you have no life and need old news from 2003 or 2004, click here.  

If you are really pathetic and want to read older news from 2000-2002, click here.  And get a life! 

WinoJohn


Drugged-up Celebrity
Whore-Monger of the Week

 

Wow!!!  Who would have guessed it?  We created a very unique award called Drugged-up Celebrity Whore Monger of the Week and it was specifically created to honor the antics of Charlie Sheen.  Who would have guessed that there would be another celebrity that could fill Charlie's shoes? But there is.  And this week, we honor none other than the former NY Giants Hall of Fame Linebacker, Lawrence Taylor.  Congratulations, LT, you are this week's WinoStuff.com Drugged-up Celebrity Whore Monger of the Week!
 

As you may know, LT was arrested back in May and was charged with statutory rape and soliciting a minor prostitute.  The details surrounding this sordid tale are a bit sketchy but LT apparently paid a 16 year old girl $300 after having sex with her.  She may or may not have consented to sex with the former Giant and another man, Rasheed Davis, was charged with unlawful imprisonment, assault and endangering the welfare of a child for his role in delivering the young girl to LT's motel room.

 

Well, this past week, Mr. Taylor pled guilty to two misdemeanors including sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute.  Under the terms of his plea deal, Taylor agreed to pay a $1,400 fine and serve six years of probation.  He will also have to register as a sex offender in two states – New York and Florida. In court, when the judge asked Taylor if he understood that by cutting the plea deal, he was waiving his right to a trial by jury he replied, “I fully understand.”  The judge then asked him if he accepted that he had sex with an underage girl and Taylor responded, “She told me she was 19!”  After a short pause, he then acknowledged his wrong doing with a simple, “yes.”  (Note to WinoBob:  The "SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS 19" defense still doesn't work.) 

 

It must be pointed out that there were no drug charges leveled against LT during this incident and there was no evidence of drug use while LT (statutorily) raped the 16 year old.  This may cause you to question whether he is actually deserving of the full "Drugged-Up" adjective in his award.  The WinoStuff Awards Committee took these facts into consideration during the voting phase and concluded that over the years, Taylor has become known for his womanizing ways and his love of strip clubs and good times.  And by "good times", we mean alcohol and cocaine.  As a result, we are willing to give LT the benefit of the doubt and conclude that he may have been whacked out on drugs at the time of the crime and is therefore still deserving of this high honor. 

Had Taylor been convicted of the original charges, he could have faced more than 5 years in prison.  That may not have been so bad.  He could have spent some quality time with a few other former Giants players.  Mark Ingram, a former receiver, is spending nearly 10 years in federal prison for money laundering, bank fraud and bail jumping. Former kick returner, Dave Meggett, was sentenced last year to 30 years for criminal sexual conduct and burglary.  And lazy but talented wide receiver Plaxico Buress is finishing up his two year stint for extreme stupidity (with a gun).

WinoJohn
January 15, 2011

Nerds on the Loose!!!

I was out for a stroll on the information superhighway recently, looking for some "super" news to report on this, the most super of all Sundays (not counting that Sunday when Desean Jackson put a nail in Eli's hopes of a return trip to the playoffs...  but I digress...) when I stumbled upon a very interesting article.  What happens when you mix Asian uber-nerds, red wine and superconductors?  Well, I'm not really sure but let me just say this...  some amazing shit happens, that's what...

Check this out...   Some Japanese big-brain dude named Yoshihiko Takano and his buddies at the National Institute for Materials Science in Japan were playing around with some superconductors in the lab (who amongst us hasn't done that!).  They were soaking some of these superconducting compounds in various liquids to measure the effect of the liquid on the resistance of the compound.  First they tried water, then they tried a mixture of water and ethanol. It appears the process was going well, because Yoshi and company decided to have a little party. The party, as it turns out, included sake, whisky, various wines, shochu, and beer. Those superconducting supergeeks really know how to party!

As you probably guessed by now, the researchers got a little "tipsy" and decided to try soaking the superconducting compounds in some of the alcoholic beverages they had on hand to determine how they compared to the more conventional soaking liquids.

When they tested the resulting materials for superconductivity, they found that the ones soaked in commercial booze came out ahead!  I won't bore you with all the superdetails but suffice it to say that red wine was the best soaking material, boosting superconductivity more than 62%!!!   The scientists were reported to have been "pleased" and "bemused" with their results.

Pleased and bemused?  If I was on that geek squad, I would have been friggin' ecstatic!  Maybe even electrostatic!!!  Who knows???  All this talk of wine and superconductivity raises several important questions:

  • Why is it that when the Asian geeks get drunk, they discover superconductivity breakthroughs and when I get drunk, I discover that WinoBob had childhood "issues"?

  • What would happen to that whole Big Bang String Theory issue if you soaked that in red wine?  More importantly, what would happen to Penny from the Bing Bang Theory TV show if you soaked her in red wine???

  • WinoBob has been soaking in red wine for the better part of 15 years.  Is he superconducting?

Clearly, more research needs to be done and we're just the red wine-drinking dweebs to carry out the task. 


WinoBob performing some some experiments in the WinoStuff Superconducting Superlabs...

WinoJohn
February 6, 2011

Summit In Silicon Valley...

Power brokers from government and the private sector got together this past week to brainstorm on jobs, the economy and tech issues.  That's right, President Obama sat down with some uber-rich, ultra-powerful eggheads in Silicon Valley on Thursday, not to assess how much more tax revenue he could squeeze out of a dozen of the tech industries' most successful entrepreneurs.  Rather, the prez was reportedly looking for ideas on creating jobs through investment in education and R&D.  (Well, maybe he was sporting a little tax woody by the end of the meeting...  But I digress...)  Among those in attendance were Steve Jobs from Apple, Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, Eric Schmidt of Google, John Chambers of Cisco, Larry Ellison from Oracle, and Carol Bartz from Yahoo.  Of course, WinoWally from WinoStuff.com was also invited to attend.  Wally had to decline, however, as he knew that all of the other attendees would be jealous of his immense wealth.

WinoBob, despite various court orders prohibiting him from traveling within 100 yards of almost everyone else in attendance, volunteered to sneak in sit in on the meeting and the dinner in Wally's place.


President Obama Meets with Tech Industry Heavyweights

White House news reports indicate that, "The meeting was friendly and productive until one attendee from a lame, wine-related web site started to make a scene."  You guessed it...  WinoBob tossed back a few too many and began to express his disdain for everything from the president's budget proposal to interstate wine-shipping laws.  As you can imagine, WinoBob was soon asked to leave.  (And by ‘asked to leave’, I mean he was beaten to a pulp by the Secret Service, bound and gagged, and unceremoniously dumped by the side of the road somewhere in downtown Oakland…)

All told, the dinner’s elite executives represented companies worth more than $938 billion. (Not counting WinoStuff.com, of course.)  We'll see what actually comes from this meeting of the minds...

WinoJohn
February 19, 2011 

Woman Arrested for DUI!!!

A 48 year old woman was arrested by the Gainesville, Florida police department last month for Driving Under the Influence.  On Feb. 18 at 1:10 a.m., an officer spotted Debra Oberlin driving erratically on Northwest 19th Street, swerving and crossing lanes, the arrest report states.

The officer wrote that Oberlin smelled of alcohol and had watery, bloodshot and dilated eyes. The report states that Oberlin told the officer she had four beers.  Debra was arrested after she had difficulty on a field sobriety test. She registered a .234 and .239 on breath alcohol tests. (Florida's legal limit for driving is .08.)  If you do the math (relax, I'll do the math for you...), Debbie's BAC was almost 3 times the legal limit.  Did you hear me???  THREE TIMES THE LEGAL LIMIT!!  Can you believe it?!!

I know what you are thinking.  You're thinking, "WinoJohn!  Relax, dude!  Shit happens.  She had a few brewskies and she got pulled over.  It was a mistake.  She shouldn't have been driving but it happens." 

OK.  Thank you.  You're right.  I overreacted.  It was just a simple DUI.  My bad.


Mug Shot of Debra Oberlin
Former President of Gainsville, Fla. MADD

What was I thinking...?

WinoJohn
March 4, 2011

Wino of the Week
and

Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week!!!

Ouch...  This story pains me just to report it.  WTF is going on over there in Britain?  Those Brits are just drinking way too much!  And, for me to say that, it must be way out of control!  Anyway, here's the story...  (You can figure out who is Wino of the Week and who is Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week.  It's pretty obvious...)

Last month, a British couple from Newcastle, England, were out having a few drinks.  Later in the evening, the woman, 43-year old Maria Georgina Topp, and her 45 year old boyfriend, Martin Douglas, decided to go back to his place for a little who-knows-what.  Around 4 a.m., an emergency call was made to the local police station.  The emergency operators had a hard time understanding what the caller (Mr. Douglas) was saying.  Police and paramedics were dispatched. 

When the emergency services people arrived, they found Mr Douglas bleeding heavily from the...  uhhh...   "groinal" area.  Upon closer examination, they discovered that poor Martin was no longer in possession of his testicles.  WHAT???  OUCH!!!!  Oh man, that is...  OWWW!!  WTF???   OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  (If you are at all like me, you are now holding your boys in a protective death grip, trying to imagine that it is NOT you who was just de-balled...)   Damn!  That's gotta hurt!!!

Martin, who is a self employed DJ, was rushed into emergency surgery at Freeman Hospital to "have his testicles and scrotum re-attached."  Once again, may I say,  "OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! " 

Ms. Topp, a mother of four who resides in nearby Gateshead, was arrested and charged with causing grievous bodily harm.  Investigators say Topp and Douglas had returned to his home after a night of drinking when sometime around 4 a.m., Topp bit down on the man's testicles and then tore them off.  Nooooo!!!   OOOWWWWW!!!!   No more, please, my stomach is starting to hurt.   OWW,   OWWW,   OWWW!!!


Wino of the Week, Maria Topp with a
gruesome shit-eating ball-biting grin

Oh, and get this, the police also reported that "Mr. Douglas' arm was also injured in the attack."  WHO THE FUCK CARES???  His boys were viciously removed from their rightful place!  By an ugly chick!  With her teeth!!!  His ball sack was torn from...  where his ball sack belongs!!  Damn, who cares if his arm was injured?  Unless she gnawed off his arm, too, that part of the story is just irrelevant!  Damn...

WinoJohn
April 3, 2011

I Don't Think So...

From our WTF Department comes this little tidbit...

As we all know, those whacky Chinese love their wine.  They are consuming more and more wine every year, thus driving up already ridiculous wine prices.  Well now they are beginning to make their own wine and, in this case, they are combining their much-loved rice wine with traditional Chinese medicinal ingredients.  On the surface, that doesn't sound too bad.  The Chinese have thousands of years of history, they are a very hard-working people with a very proud tradition.  So they put some funky ingredients in their wine, so what?  Well check this out...


Tezhi Sanbian Jiu - Three Penis Wine

Yeah, you read that correctly, Three Penis Wine.  Not one penis.  Not even two penis.  Three penis.  Because one penis is just not enough penis.  I guess.  I don't know...

Tezhi Sanbian Jiu comes in a rather plain looking bottle but, according to the article I plagiarized read, this "rice wine is a Valentine’s Day gift your loved one will always remember..."   No shit.  If someone gave me three penises for Valentine's Day, I'd be scarred for life!

This special concoction (Get it?  Concockshun...  Ha ha ha!   Sorry.) has three different types of animal penis brewed right in, purportedly to "grant vitality to the drinker."  The label on the back of the bottle says it contains seal penis, deer penis and Cantonese dog penis, all of them popular ingredients in Chinese traditional medicine, and all said to increase male potency and virility.  Wow.  That's a lot of penis. 

This story is disturbing on many levels.  I think the wine drinking public has a right to some answers!  For example:

  • They don't secretly serve this stuff to unsuspecting American techno-dweebs that are forced to eat who-knows-what during business trips to China, do they?  DO THEY???  (Please say NO.  Please!)

  • What happens to all those poor little seals, deers and dogs that are forced to give up their penises?  

  • What happens if a dude enjoys Three Penis Wine?  Is that gay?

  • Who's idea was it to even consider using penis as a medicinal ingredient?  (Wait, I think I figured this one out.  Imagine this scenario... "You have a headache?  Here, try some of this...")

  • Where can we get some Three Penis?  (Oops, that was my wife checking in...    Note to self: Change the password on the WinoStuff Uber Computer...)

Well, as responsible journalists, we clearly need to do more research on this subject.  WinoStuff's own Director of Porn and Penis-Related Wine Stories, WinoBob, will be further analyzing this product and will be reporting back with his findings.   Stay tuned...

I would just like to go on record as saying, "Ewwww!!!".

WinoJohn
April 17, 2011

Whackjob of the Week
So many whackjobs, so little time...

This week, we once again decided to honor one amongst us who has pushed the envelope, one who has gone the extra mile to distinguish himself from the crowd.  However, it seems that the competition this week was more intense than usual.  The WinoStuff Whackjob Selection Committee really had a tough time deciding a winner.  Take for example the following extremely whacky entries...

  • Harold Camping - This former engineer turned minister got the whole world buzzing with his prediction of the end of the world.  He knew down to the minute when the world was supposed to end.  Yesterday at 6:00 pm Eastern Time, I was braced for the big one.  I had a bottle of '94 Opus One in one hand and my trusty corkscrew in the other.  At the first rumbling of the big quake, I was ready to pop open this beauty and go at it.  But, unfortunately, the world didn't end.  Damn you, Harold Camping!!!

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger - The former Governator announced to the world that he had a love child with his former haus frau and that he had been keeping this big secret from Maria and the kids for more than 10 years.  A quick look at the baby momma and you can see why he kept this secret.  Arnie!  Dude!!!  You could have been bangin' supermodel strippers and you dip your stick in that???  C'mon, man!

  • Dominique Strauss-Kahn - The former head of the International Monetary Fund is accused of raping the maid at his luxury hotel in Manhattan.  He quickly flees the scene while she calls the cops.  A few hours later, he is dragged off an Air France jet by the police.  In keeping with French tradition, he has surrendered his passport, he has surrendered his dignity and I'm sure he has surrendered more than that while at Riker's Island...  The guy controls like all the money in the world and he's taking unwanted liberties with the help.  F'ing frog bastard.

OK, any one of these guys could probably win Whackjob of the Week during an ordinary week but this week was special.  This week, there was more whackiness than usual.  Maybe it was the anticipation of the end of the world, I don't know.  All I know is this was a special week. 

Oh yeah...  The winner of this week's Whackjob of the Week honor goes to...  (drum roll, please...)...   The dude who bid north of $130,000 for Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Hat!  (We don't know his name yet but stay tuned.  The auction ends in a few hours...)

You remember the goofy hat that Beatrice wore to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, don't you?  It was the surprising fashion highlight of the royal wedding and the one thing that (briefly) distracted the world's attention from Pippa Middleton's fine little pooper.  Well, that hat is up for bid on eBay (proceeds going to charity) and some wicked whackjob has bid over $130 large for the right to prance around in front of his mirror wearing this piece of millinery history.  Now that's WHACKY!!!

Congratulations, whoever you are!!!

WinoJohn
May 22, 2011 

Weiner of the Week

New York is in the news again.  This time, the television stations and the web news outlets are buzzing over the Empire State because of the antics of one of it's leaders.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies...), you, too, can have a torrid sexting relationship with a real US Congressman.  Just follow Congressman Anthony Weiner on Twitter or friend him on Facebook and he will send you your very own personal photos of his junk.  Is this a great country or what?

Yes, New Yorkers have never been more proud of their elected officials.  Anthony "The" Weiner has recently admitted having inappropriate communications with at least 6 or 7 women over the past couple years.   And by that, he means that he sent photos of his wiener to women that he "met" on the internet.  There are more reports today that he was communicating with a 17 year old girl in Delaware although their is no evidence that she ever got a glimpse of his manhood.

 The liberal elite are coming out in his defense.  Barbara Walters has stated that the pictures of Weiner's wiener are "flattering".  In her opinion, there is no reason he should resign.  Fellow disgraced Democrat, Representative Charles Rangel said that Weiner did nothing wrong because he "didn't sleep with prostitutes or touch little boys..."   I guess in his circle, that's the only thing that constitutes "doing something wrong."  Rangel also said that the press should "get off his back".  I guess their is honor among scum.

Many people seem surprised that Congressman Weiner could be capable of such questionable behavior.  Even his wife is reportedly shocked and dismayed.   I'm sure she must have seen some signs early in their relationship...


Could there have been any indications
that Weiner might be a dick?

Congratulations, New York.  All of America is proud of you.

WinoJohn
June 11, 2011 

 

Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week

Apparently, some of you winos were beginning to complain that we kept our Wiener of the Week winner (Congressman Anthony Weiner) on this page for more than a month.  Well, all I can say is that it was a slow news month and Congressman Weiner was a tremendous wiener.  But we're back and check this out...

We were all set to name Philip A. Contos as our latest Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week.  You may remember Phillip, he was the New York state motorcyclist that recently went on a ride with 550 other bikers to protest New York's helmet law.  In a show of unity and protest, these bikers all took off their helmets and snubbed their noses at the law.  Well, one thing led to another and poor Philip ended up locking up his brakes, fishtailing and getting thrown over his handlebars.  He smacked his melon on the pavement and woke up dead.  Medical experts on the scene stated that he would no doubt have survived the accident had he been wearing a helmet!  The poor unfortunate bastard...

But, as unfortunate as that story may be, it is not enough to earn Philip the PUBotW honor.  No, that distinction really must go to the husband of Catherine Kieu Becker.  You may have heard, last week Ms. Becker was arrested in Southern California for drugging her husband, tying him to his bed, and cutting off his penis.  Wait...  WHAT???  OUCHHHH!!!  NOOO!!! That's just WRONG!!!   Oh yeah, she also ground up the severed member in the garbage disposal.  (Hmmm...  if they manage to reattach his missing Johnson, this story will certainly qualify for Wiener of the Week honors...!) 

According to the Associated Press, Ms. Becker has been charged with "aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse."  C'mon, really?  "Aggravated mayhem"?  The woman just Bobbitted her husband!  She's being charged with the equivalent of creating a "brouhaha" or "chaos" or "confusion"???  (Seriously, I looked it up.)  This woman should be charged with something like Double Secret Felony Peniscide or, better yet, MANslaughter!

The victim has not been named presumably because it will already be hard enough for him to get a date.  No need to put his name out there...  So, Mr. Becker (how cool would it have been if his surname was actually Pecker?), you, my friend, are this week's Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week.  You have our congratulations (and sympathies). 


Catherine Kieu Becker
WARNING:  Do NOT let this woman near your manhood.

WinoJohn
July 16, 2011

WinoNation of the Week

Back in April of 2010, we first recognized the collective efforts of an entire nation in the pursuit of (in this case, excessive) alcohol consumption.  Back then, it was the UK that stood out from the crowd.  (Missed that little tidbit?  click here...)  Well, this week, we recognize the efforts of a bunch of hot, young female winemakers in attracting attention to their national treasures...   This week, we are proud to honor the entire nation of Austria as WinoNation of the Week!

In a story entitled "Young Austrian Winemakers Strip Off for Calendar", Decanter.com reports that a bunch of young (hot) Austrian female winemakers got together in their frilly little underthings and had a pillow fight followed by a game of truth or dare and some "experimentation"...   Uhhh, wait... what?  Sorry...   I got a little carried away there... 

Where was I?  Oh yeah...  These lovely and talented winemakers were brought together by publisher Ellen Ledermüller-Reiner to pose for a calendar.  I'm sure that the goal was to attract attention to the Austrian wine business but the article never actually says that.  Or else I just missed it...  Who knows?  Maybe they just wanted to sell calendars.  All I know is that I clicked through to the calendar site and I must say, this calendar should attract attention to the Austrian wine business.  I may even start drinking Austrian wines myself.  See?  It worked! In fact, if you probe around the web site a little bit, it looks like those rascally Austrians have been doing these risqué calendars for a few years.  Damn it, WinoBob!  Who's in charge of researching hot young winemaker babes on calendars???  This news item nearly slipped by unreported!  Geez....

Anyway, congratulations, Austria, you are our WinoNation of the Week!


A few images from the Austrian Calendar...  Enjoy!

WinoJohn
August 13, 2011 
 

Meeting of the Wino Minds!

 

Last week, a monumental event took place in northern New Jersey.  WinoBob, The Other Bob, yours truly and a childhood friend of WinoBob (we'll call him Some Dude Named Rich) all got together during normal business hours for a little "off site" activity.  This was not your typical Monday afternoon golf outing in the rain (although it was Monday afternoon and it was raining...).  No, this was a coming together of some of the greatest wine-consuming minds in the nation state tri-county area (plus Some Dude Named Rich).  Wow, that's huge!

 

Yes, the three wine industry giants (and Some Dude Named Rich) all got together to support a very worthwhile cause (while also enjoying a few chuckles).  The outing was actually a charity event benefiting The Sons of Italy or The Brothers of Sicily or The Cousins of Luigi or something like that.  I'm not quite sure.  I know it had an Italian theme, however.  The event was very well organized by the lovely and talented Mrs. WinoBob who was ably assisted by their daughter, the young and hot affable Brittany.  Despite the weather, it was a fun event for a worthy cause.  The Sons of Italy donate millions of dollars every year to a variety of local charities.  And, unlike the door prizes at the golf outing, you don't have to be Italian to benefit from their charitable works! 

 

While the golf was enjoyable and the food was outstanding, the hushed topic of conversation throughout the outing seemed to revolve around WinoJohn's pasty white legs.  I guess a bunch of rain-soaked Italians had never seen a real Irishman's legs.  True, my legs sort of bring a tear to your eye (if you look directly at them, they sort of bring a burning sensation to your eye, but I digress...)   However, the unspoken horror that was on everyone's mind during the awards ceremony was actually much worse.  Much to Mrs. WinoBob's chagrin, WinoBob rocked an interesting pair of salmon-colored pants at the reception.  Oh, and he has man-boobs...

 


WinoJohn, WinoBob, Some Dude Named Rich and The Other Bob
enjoy a round of golf for a worthy cause...

And what did we all learn from a day supporting this charitable cause?  Let's see...

  • The young and hot affable Brittany tortures her dad by drinking wine out of a box.  That's cool...

  • Frolicking in a bowl full of Italian beach water is not enough to earn a pasty white-legged Irishman even a simple door prize.

  • Salmon-colored pants are not appropriate for any occasion

  • The traditional Italian "kiss on the cheek" is really just a thinly-veiled attempt on the part of many perverted Italian men to hit on the lovely and talented and the young and hot affable WinoBob women.  And Bob doesn't even realize it...

Thanks again, Jean Anne and Brittany!

WinoJohn
August 23, 2011

September 11, 2011
WE REMEMBER...


 





WinoJohn
September 11, 2011 
    

WE'RE BACK!


Wow.  That was a disaster.  The WinoStuff Supercomputing Center crashed.  Hard.  That was painful.  I'm not even sure what happened.  I think the electrons in our supercomputing CPU got wind of the report from Switzerland that some CERN scientists clocked a neutrino traveling faster than the speed of light.  That was all they needed to hear.  The electrons made a dash for daylight and got caught up in a traffic jam on the motherboard.  You can imagine what happened next...  (If you can't imagine what happened next, I'm just wasting my time explaining this whole scenario to you.) 

 

But we're back up and running, albeit temporarily.  You see, I'm in the process of building the next uber server to host all things WinoStuff.  Until that task is complete, we're limping along on some 1990s technology.  (It's still better than the Mac-something that WinoBob uses to surf porn, but that's another story...)

 

So now that we're back, so what?  I'll tell you so what.  We have our latest Wino of the Week!  Check this out...

A substitute elementary school teacher in Santa Fe was fired a few weeks ago after she was reportedly found passed out drunk while on the job.  That's right, local authorities found Jill Lyle unconscious one Friday afternoon at Chaparral Elementary School in an office connected to a classroom. Officials said Lyle was found with a cup next to her and the contents of the cup "had an odor of alcohol".  Lt. Louis Carlos told reporters, "We do not know how much, or if any for that matter, had been consumed, but we do believe it was a cup containing wine there with her in the classroom."

Here's the best part...  No charges will be filed against Lyle because the incident occurred "around lunchtime", when students were not directly under her care!  Jill got whacked from her job anyway.  The terms and specific reasons for Lyle's termination are not being made public.

Congratulations, Jill, you are our Wino of the Week!

Oh yeah.  One other thing...  As for those speedy neutrinos, I don't believe it.  First of all, the report came out of Switzerland.  The report was probably written in French and was probably released "around lunchtime"...  You know how that goes.  These funny little science faux pas happen all the time.  Nothing to get excited about.  But I digress...

(Keep your fingers crossed that the patched-up server keeps functioning until the new box comes on line...)

WinoJohn
October 7, 2011 
 

Wino of the Week!

This week, we meet another party girl that likes to drink a wee bit too much and then go out and get herself into trouble.  Check this out...

A few weeks ago, police in Bainbridge County, Ohio, clocked a car doing like 128 MPH at 4am on Route 422.  The driver of the car refused to pull over and the police had to use those cool spike strips to flatten the tires on the vehicle.  Here's where it gets noteworthy...

When the vehicle eventually came to a stop, the police ordered the driver of the car to exit the vehicle.  Much to their surprise, the driver was a woman, topless, wearing only a G-string and tennis shoes.  (WinoBob is the only other individual I know that enjoys getting hammered, putting on a nice G-string, and driving like a bat out of hell.  But I digress...)  The culprit in this case is named Erin Holdsworth and she is no stranger to the Bainbridge County jail having been previously convicted of drunk driving, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, falsification and a loud noise/disturbance.  (Yes, that's right, a loud noise/disturbance!!)

Fortunately for us, the police cruiser's dash-cam got the whole capture thing on tape.  Once handcuffed and put into the back of the police car, the "ugly drunk" came out and Ms. Holdsworth proceeded to try to kick out the windows of the police car.  Again, the police cameras were rolling, giving us all a nice muff shot of Ms. Holdsworth. Her mother must be very proud...


Thank goodness this picture is digitally blurred as that is some angry vaj...


WinoStuff's Wino of the Week -  Erin Holdsworth

Congratulations, Erin!

WinoJohn
October 27, 2011 
 

Father/Son Tag Team
Winos of the Week!

It takes a strong stomach to join this club.  Check it out...

Ron Franscell and his son, Matt, from San Antonio, Texas decided to take a road trip to The Great White North before Matt went off to college.  While there, they wanted to join an exclusive club...  The Sourtoe Cocktail Club.  Sound interesting?  Read on...

The Sourtoe Cocktail is a rather disgusting beverage served in only one place in the world: The Sourdough Saloon in Dawson City, a town 300 miles from the Arctic Circle in Canada's Yukon Territory. This nasty cocktail is just what it sounds like -- a shot of any type of hard alcohol served in a glass with a dehydrated human toe, mummified in salt.  According to the rules, the nasty toe must touch the drinker's lips during the drink's consumption for the drinker to earn the distinction of being a true "Sourtoer."

According to legend, a man known as Capt. Dick Stevenson started this tradition in 1973. He is said to have discovered the original toe in a cabin that he purchased, which had previously belonged to a trapper who had lost his big toe to frostbite and put it in a jar.  Other toes have since been donated and are kept in pickling salt when not being slurped. Saloon officials say the high alcohol content in the whisky, vodka and other booze keeps the toes sterile, despite being in the mouths of as many as a few dozen people on a given night.


Mmmm, mmmm...  That's some good toe!

The experience inspired the elder Franschell to write a book entitled "The Sourtoe Cocktail Club: The Yukon Odyssey of a Father and Son in Search of a Mummified Toe ... And Everything Else".  Nice title, dad.

So, uhhh yeah...  there you have it.  Sourtoe.  Congratulations, guys, you are our first Father/Son Tag Team Winos of the Week.   Ugghhhh...

WinoJohn
November 6, 2011

Wino Giant of the Week!!!

How often do you see this?  A giant decides that he wants to sell wine.  That's right, it doesn't happen every day.  Well it happened recently when Chinese giant, Yao Ming, decided that he was getting into the wine business.  And where do Chinese giants go when they want to open a winery?  Napa Valley, of course.

Last week, eight time NBA All Star, Yao Ming announced the opening of Yao Family Wines.  (I would have thought that he would call this new venture Ming Family Wines but what do I know?  I'm a zero time NBA All Star...)   Mr. Ming (or is it Mr. Yao?) stands 7 feet 6 inches tall and is generally considered to be a god in his native China (where the average adult male stands a mere 4 ft 6 inches tall...).   Yao plans to offer his initial bottling, the Yao Family Napa Cab, at $289 per bottle!  (Coincidentally, the average adult male in China earns $289 per month!)   Later this year, the Yao Family Reserve Cabernet will go on sale for like $1.21 gigabucks, which is a lot...

Naturally, Yao partnered with some Napa Valley veterans to make his wines.  Tom Hind is the President and Director of Winemaking at Yao Wines and Larry Bradley is Consulting Viticulturist.  Both of these gentlemen have extensive backgrounds in Napa winemaking.  There is no word on who will handle the sales and marketing functions at Yao Family Wines... 


Yao Ming is seen here conducting an interview for a
Sales and Marketing executive...

Good luck on your new venture Mr. Yao...  er...  Ming...

WinoJohn
December 3, 2011 
  

 

Wino of the Week!

How many times has this happened to you...?  You're driving along some back road after a night of heavy drinking.  Your buddies are in the car with you, the music is cranked up loud and all of a sudden...  BAM !  you hit something!!!  Wait!  What was that???  You all get out of the car and find an injured deer in the road and a big dent in the front of your car.  Damn it!  That sucks.  Now what do we do...?

Most people would curse the deer, blame their friends for making too much noise in the car, hop back in the car and speed away before anyone else gets wind of the incident.  (Or, if you are my father-in-law, you might quickly field dress the deer, mount the carcass to the hood of your car and drive it straight to the slaughterhouse...  But I digress...).  However, if your name is Andrew Caswell from Greece, NY, you might suddenly feel guilty over the brutal collision with another one of God's creatures, determine that their may still be time to save the deer, load it into the trunk of your car and attempt to drive it to the hospital!!!  Of course, that's precisely what Andy Caswell from Greece NY did last week.  Yeah, Andy wasn't exactly thinking straight...

While Andy and pals were driving the injured animal to a HUMAN hospital, some locals residents (who had heard the commotion surrounding the decision to try and save the deer) called police and gave a description of Andy's vehicle.  Shortly thereafter, Andy was pulled over and charged with DUI. (Andy's BAC was .16!)

Oh yeah, the deer died.

So, Andy, was it all worth it?  The drinking, the driving, the deer killing, not to mention the embarrassment of the DUI?  I guess the only good thing to come of all this is your winning WINO OF THE WEEK honors!!!

Congratulations, big guy!

WinoJohn
December 23, 2011 

Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week

A while back, we introduced the concept of Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week.  You remember, Britney Spears had a meltdown, shaved her head and became our inaugural CTWotW.  Although never earning official Celebrity Train Wreck status, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have each been honored on these pages for behavior detrimental to sustaining life and could easily have been CTWotW.. This week, we honor another celebrity (also a winolicious babe!) with the potential to check out at any time.  You know her from her roles on TJ Hooker, Dynasty, Melrose Place and more.  Yes, ladies and gents, our Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week is none other than...  Heather Locklear!

The lovely and talented Ms. Locklear has a long history of intoxication "issues" (she has been arrested several times for DUI and family members have called 911 several times over the years due to her drug and alcohol abuse.)  Last week, emergency medical personnel rushed Heather to the Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA for treatment of drug and alcohol consumption.  Fortunately, she was released the following day and is reported to be "out of danger".


While Heather can sometimes be an ugly drunk...


...her mug shot is not half bad, and...


she cleans up pretty well!!!

(Note: I want to state that everything in this article pertaining to Ms. Locklear and her problems are entirely ALLEGED.   There are two reasons for this:  1) I'm sure her big time Hollywood lawyers are much more skilled than the WinoStuff lawyers over at the law firm of Dewey, Cheetem and Howe,  and 2)  I think I might still have a shot with her...).  

Congratulations, Heather! 

WinoJohn
January 12, 2012 

Space Wine!

There's a British dude living in Chile that claims to have launched the first space wine...  or at least the first space-infused wine.  (Why doesn't it surprise anyone that a Brit would come up with this idea.  Brits are like uber-winos.  British life seems to revolve around alcohol and excessive consumption.  But I digress...) 

It seems that this guy named Ian Hutcheon bought a vineyard in Chile and borrowed a small piece of meteorite from one of his pals and now he's making wine...  with the meteorite in the fermentation barrel.  Those whacky Brits crack me up...

Ian first selects the grapes from his vineyard and then ferments the fruit for 25 days before beginning the year-long malolactic fermentation process.  Inside the fermentation barrel sits the three-inch long piece of space debris.  After 12 months, the wine is blended with another batch of Cabernet Sauvignon for the perfect balance of Earth and space.   Yeah....

Ian says that by drinking his wine, "You are tasting space, in a way.  You are physically tasting elements of the solar system and of the history of the meteorite that spent millions of years orbiting the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter."  (I'm thinking that Ian has spent a little time orbiting the asteroid belt himself...).  The meteorite crashed into Chile's Atacama Desert about 6,000 years ago and was lent to the British wino by an American meteorite collector.  (Seriously.  Who collects meteorites???)

The wine, called Meteorito, is only sold at the Tagua Tagua Astronomy Center, established by Hutcheon in 2007, where visitors can sip the wine while observing the stars and planets in the Astronomy Center's observatory.

The first batch of Meteorito produced around 2,600 gallons and sells for about $10 a bottle.


Ian Hutcheon and Meteorito

WinoJohn
February 4, 2012

WinoStuff All-Star Weekend!

With the NBA All Star festivities playing out this weekend, the staff of WinoStuff decided to get early start on the all star frenzy.  If you follow pro hoops (or if you have a pulse and read a newspaper), the whole country is abuzz over Jeremy Lin, the undrafted, Harvard-educated, Taiwanese-American basketball player who has reinvigorated the haphazard New York Knicks and has probably added hundreds of millions of dollars to the NBA corporate coffers in the process.  His out-of-control style and winning ways have earned him the nickname "LINsanity".  Well, the crew at 'Stuff wanted to be part of the action.  So last weekend, we had our own All-Star VINsanity Weekend.  The only venue large enough to hold such a gathering was the wine cellar at the palatial Wally Estate.  Here's how it went down...

Just as the NBA starts off with a Slam Dunk competition, the WinoStuff All Star Weekend started off with a Dam Drunk competition.  WinoBob, the 10-time defending Dam Drunk champion (and a shoe-in for the Dam Drunk Hall of Fame), stole the show, winning his 11th straight title (and ending up in the local county jail's drunk tank.)  He missed the main event and what was perhaps the best showing of All Star red wines in WinoStuff memory.  (WinoStuff memory is not very good, what with all the red wines and all...)

While security policies at the palatial Wally Estate won't allow us to show actual footage of the event, we can show you the starting lineup.  Check this out...



There were more All Stars consumed at the two day event but after a few hours of this VINsanity, my ability to put my cell phone into camera mode became quite limited.  I think you get the picture...

Thanks, Wally!  Needless to say, I'm looking forward to March Madness!!

WinoJohn
February 24, 2012

Fruit Fly Research!

Yes, my wino friends, WinoStuff.com is the place to come to get the latest information and updates on fruit fly research.  (Not that we are doing any actual fruit fly research.  We are just reporting on the research being done by other eggheads in the field.)  How does fruit fly research meet the demanding requirements of a WinoStuff Breaking News!!! update, you may ask?  Read on...

It seems that some whacky neurobiologist researchers at the University of California San Francisco performed an experiment on two groups of male fruit flies.  One of the groups (of fruit flies, not neurobiologists) had just "had their way" with a group of female fruit flies.  (We'll call this the "satisfied" group").  The other group (of fruit flies, not neurobiologists) had been denied interaction with the ladies.  (We'll call this group, the "horny group").  After four days of this tomfoolery, the scientists allowed each group of flies to choose whether to feed on a mixture of 1) yeast and sugar or, 2) yeast, sugar and ALCOHOL.  (See?  That's what makes this a WinoStuff-worthy Breaking News story!!!)

Well, as you may have guessed, the "satisfied group" tended to feed on the yeast and sugar mix while the "horny group" tended to hit the alcohol-infused mixture.  The group (of neurobiologists, not fruit flies) went on to report that each group of fruit flies had distinctly different levels of some brain chemical called Neuropeptide F (NPF).  It is believed that a lack of female interaction resulted in low levels of NPF in the brains of the "horny group" causing them to crave alcohol.  Conversely, high levels of NPF in their brains caused the "satisfied group" to pass on the alcohol.  More importantly, the group (of neurobiologists, not fruit flies) are theorizing that a similar brain chemical in humans (Neuropeptide Y or NPY) may cause similarities in human behavior...

This alarming study raises several important questions:

1)  How much Obama money did we waste on a study just to come to the conclusion that horny human men crave alcohol???   DUHHH!!!!  You could visit any bar in America at 2:05 am and come to the same conclusion!!!

2)  The group (of neurobiologists, not fruit flies) consisted of scientists named Ulrike Heberlein, Galit Shohat-Ophir, Karla R. Kaun and Reza Azanchi. How much alcohol do you think they consume?

3)  Given the results observed in fruit flies and hypothesizing that a similar inverse relationship exists between NPY levels and alcohol consumption in humans, how much NPY do you think would be found in WinoBob's brain?

4)  How big is the budget for alcohol research at UCSF and how do I apply for admission?

Well, I'm off to Asia next week, people, so you're on your own for a while.  Wish me ruck!

WinoJohn
March 24, 2012 
 

Wino of the Week!

This week, we pay tribute to a wino named Jenna Marbles.  She bills herself as a "Blogger and Entertainer..."  Well, I'm definitely entertained.  Here she is performing a public service for all (female) winos who go at it more than once a day.  Check this out and you'll understand...

Congratulations, Jenna, and keep up the good work!

WinoJohn
May 13, 2012 

 

Poor Unfortunate Wino Bastard of the Week

This week, we combine two of our most popular Breaking News features: Wino of the Week and Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week.  It's unusual for any one individual to qualify for both awards so this is a very special week indeed.

Let me present to you a Colorado woman named Zoey Ripple (even her name sounds like a wino...).  Zoey recently graduated from the University of Colorado where, and I'm just guessing here, she partied pretty hard.  Well, it seems that Zoey got good and liquored up a few weeks ago, so much so that she forgot where she lived (or couldn't find her house).  Regardless of her intentions, Zoey wandered into a home (not her home) through an unlocked door.  At 3:30 in the morning.  We find out later that her blood alcohol content was 3 times the legal limit.  Way to go, girl!!!

If that were the end of the story, Zoey might qualify for Wino of the Week honors.  But no.  there's more...

It seems that Zoey, in her drunken stupor, awoke the owners of the home.  Being startled by a stranger in their home at 3:30 in the a.m., the homeowners pulled out their trusty pistol and shot Zoey.  In the head.  (Some reports have her getting shot in the hip but getting shot in the head is so much cooler...)  Ouch!!!

Don't worry, the Ripplemeister is OK.  She was taken to the hospital and is doing well. 

Now if that isn't enough to qualify her for both Wino of the Week and Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week, check this out...  The police are charging her with felony trespassing!!!  Damn.  That's cold.  Girl has a little too much to drink, accidentally stumbles into the wrong house, gets SHOT and now she's going to jail.  The poor unfortunate wino bastard...


I don't see any head wounds so Zoey must have been shot in the hip. 

After checking out her mug shot, Zoey was very nearly named our first Triple Crown Winner.  (Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week, Wino of the Week and WinoBabe of the Month)   A shot to the head could have put her over the top...

Congratulations, Zoey.  You are our PUWBotW

WinoJohn
June 3, 2012 
 

 

Wino of the Week

How many times has this happened to you...?  You're out driving on unfamiliar roads, using your trusty GPS for directions, when the device suddenly tells you to TURN LEFT although this instruction clearly seems to be wrong...  Well that very scenario played out with unfortunate results for this week's Wino of the Week.  Check this out...

Last week, Patricia Maione of Uxbridge, MA was driving along, minding her own business, when her GPS told her to turn.  Patty blindly followed directions and ended up in a cornfield!  So what would you do if you found yourself in your car in a corn field?  Naturally, you would push the pedal to the metal and plow your way out!  Well, that's just what Ms. Maione did.  When she ultimately reached the end of the cornfield, her car launched 10 feet in the air and landed smack onto a golf course.  Patricia, who admits that she doesn't like golf, couldn't keep it in the fairway and ended up..., you guessed it..., in the bunker.  Don't worry, Patty, we all end up in the bunker occasionally.

I know what you're thinking...  You're thinking, "WinoJohn, driving your Buick into a fairway bunker doesn't qualify you for Wino of the Week honors!  What's the rest of the story?"    OK, you know me too well.  Here's the qualifying details.


Wally, do you get relief if your ball ends up in the Bunker Buick?

Earlier in the day, Patricia downed a half liter of vodka and violated a restraining order by breaking into her former boyfriend's house to take some stuff.  Police were notified of her erratic driving and were actually searching for her at the time of the mishap.  Once she was safely parked in the bunker, police found a "large Burger King cup containing an alcoholic beverage in her car."  Nice job, Pat!!!

Ms. Maione was arrested and charged with driving with a suspended license; drunken driving (her fourth offense), negligent driving; and driving with an open container of alcohol in the car.  She was being held on $10,000 cash bail. Her release on personal recognizance was revoked for two pending cases, including an arraignment on June 4 on drug charges and an arraignment on April 30 for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Yeah.  She qualifies for WotW.  Congratulations, Patricia!!!

WinoJohn
June 25, 2012 
 

 

Subatomic Wino Particle of the Week!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...  I know.  It's the Fourth of July...  Bombs bursting in air...  Barbeque in the back yard.  We get it...  (Try not to set yourself on fire or blow yourself up this Independence Day...)  But check this out...

This year's Independence Day brings some really BIG news...  Actually, it's really pretty small news...  Subatomically small news.  You can't even see this news it's so small.  But you know it's there.  Today, the wino scientists over there at the CERN Large Hadron Supercollider announced that they think that they have found the Holy Grail of subatomic particles, the Higgs boson.  Now that's cool!

For those of you who, like I, have been tirelessly searching for the Higgs boson (and I can't believe there are many of you who have NOT at least given it some thought), you can go back about your business.  It's been found.  The search is over.  Go home. 

For those of you who may not be part of the boson cognoscenti, the Higgs boson is the uber particle. In quantum theory, elementary particles are divided into two rough categories: fermions, which are bits of matter like electrons, and bosons, which are bits of energy and can transmit forces, like the photon that transmits light.  Simply put, the Higgs boson is to matter what WinoStuff is to the internet.  It's the most important thing.

Today's announcement is an impressive accomplishment for the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s biggest physics machine.  The LHC blasts protons at each other to see what happens when they collide.  They only plugged the damn thing in a couple years ago and it's still only operating at about half-power.  Just wait until they turn it up to 11...

If you're still not getting it.  Here's some visual help...


Typical 4th of July Fireworks...


Typical 4th of July proton-proton collision...

I think you get the point...

So raise your glasses today to particle physics.  There's some amazing shit going on in the supercolliding labs.  Pay attention.

Oh yeah, let's celebrate independence, too.

WinoJohn
July 4, 2012 
   

Winos of the Week!

Wow.  All that celebrating over the Subatomic Wino Particle of the Week just got out of control.  That was a blast.  I crawled out of bed today and noticed that we had been celebrating the Higgs boson for 3 weeks.  Damn.  That was a good ride...  But now, back to business.

This week we recognize the drunken antics of a Fort Wayne, Indiana couple.  Earlier this year, a guy named Aaron Stefanski was partying with his girlfriend, Jessica Clark. Now, I wasn't there but I'm guessing the day went something like this...  The two adults were just hanging out, having a few brewskies while they watched their 4 kids, ages 4 to 7.  (Three were his and one was hers.)  There was nothing going on, they were all bored, so Aaron decides to take the kids for a car ride.  Nothing outlandish, just a quick ride around the corner.  (Probably not a good idea given that he and Jess had been drinking but whatever...)

So the two adults, making safety a priority, strap the kids onto the hood of the car and take off down the road.  Everything seemed to be going fine when...   Wait...  WHAT???  They STRAPPED THE KIDS ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR????    No.  Seriously.  They strapped the kids, ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR??  And DROVE OFF??  DRUNK!!!

Now that's some responsible parenting. 

Fortunately, they didn't get very far.  A local shop owner saw the kids strapped to the deathmobile and called the cops.  A Breathalizer revealed that Stefanski's blood-alcohol content was 0.17.  That's a pretty good buzz.  I think the legal limit for driving with live pediatric hood ornaments is like 0.08.  I could be wrong...

Last week, Stefanski pleaded guilty to three felony counts of neglect of a dependent, as well as a felony charge of operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated. Four misdemeanor charges of criminal recklessness, four child restraint infractions and an infraction for driving without insurance will be dismissed when he is sentenced.

The case against Jessica, who is charged with felony neglect of a dependent, is set for trial next month.

Congratulations, idiots.  You are our latest Winos of the Week!

WinoJohn
July 24, 2012 
 

 

Olympic Record Wino of the Week!

If you are anything like the WinoJohn family, you just finished enjoying the London Olympics.  (If you are anything like WinoJohn himself, you especially enjoyed the Women's Beach Volleyball competition!  But I digress...)

Anyway, it seems that the whole world was overtaken with the Olympic spirit and the urge to compete.  Apparently, one wino took it a little bit too far...

A guy named Justin A. Clark of Iowa City, IA was arrested recently after police received numerous reports of a man driving a car, colliding with curbs and racing his engine.  When police located Justin, he was sitting in the driver's seat of his car and he was unable to respond to the officer's questions.  (Although, when the police asked him what day it was, he was able to respond, "Three, but now it's four.")  The technical term for Justin's condition is called "hammered".  Maybe "polluted".  I'd even go so far as "wasted". 

But perhaps none of these terms are superlative enough to describe Mr. Clark's actual condition.  I think that, in the true Olympic spirit, we could award Justin the Gold Medal for Drunkenness.  After all, his blood alcohol content may have set a new world record.  Healthcare and law enforcement officials all agreed.  They had never seen nor heard of a BAC reading that high (other than that shadowy stick figure that goes by the nickname "WinoBob").  The J-man's blood alcohol came in at...  wait for it...  0.627!  Now that's an Olympic effort! 

Just to give you a little insight into the magnitude of Justin's achievement, the lethal BAC reading is generally considered to be about 0.3. 

So, Olympic-sized congratulations go out to Justin Clark.  JC, you are our very first Olympic Record Wino of the Week!  (And you were very nearly a Darwin award winner!)

WinoJohn
August 15, 2012 
 

  

Wino of the Week!

Hey!  Check this out.  It's been so long since I updated this lame site that I actually stumbled upon my birthday.  That's right, today is my birthday!  And, in true WinoStuff spirit, I'm honoring MYSELF, WinoJohn, as Wino of the Week.  Yeah, I can do that.  I don't even need to ask for permission!!!

So, what qualifies me as Wino of the Week you may ask?  (Go ahead and ask.  I dare you.  You'll find your face Photoshopped on some Limey Dork Hugh Johnson-like body and prominently featured on these pages, damn it!!) 

So, here's my B-Day WotW story. 

  1. 1) I drank a lot of wine.  On my birthday.  And on the day before my birthday.  And I'll drink a lot on the day after my birthday.  I'll really put my liver to the test and I'm confident that my liver will emerge victorious.  Period.  End of story.  I AM... the Wino of the Week!!! 

  2. 2) Shut up.  There is no number 2).

As you probably know (if you read the drunken ramblings of one WinoBob, today was also Bruce Springsteen's birthday.  You may not know that today is also Ray Charles' B-day.  And Jason Alexander's (George Costanza, not the dork that married Britney Spears), and Mickey Rooney's, and Julio Iglesias, and John Coltrane's.  And I, WinoJohn, drank more wine on this highest of holy days than all the others combined.  I think that qualifies me as WotW!

So, here's a picture of me enjoying my big day.  Happy B-Day to me!!!

WinoJohn
September 23, 2012 
    

 

Superstorm Sandy Survival Story!

Wow.  That was unbelievable.  I never saw that one coming.  Next time, I'll be better prepared...

Here's the abbreviated timeline of events:

Day 1 - Monday evening.  The storm was predicted to hit the Jersey shore on Tuesday morning so there was no real concern yet.  The Wife and I were sitting in the WinoJohn living room, preparing for the storm.  And by "preparing" I mean I was playing my guitar and drinking a glass of something Italian.  The winds were blowing but it seemed to be just "another storm".  Then POW!!!  The lights went out.  The TV turned off.  Life was about to change...

Day 2 thru 4 - The first few nights were kind of quaint.  We dined by candlelight and we followed the path of the storm on a battery-powered AM radio.  We lost a few trees and some shingles off the roof.  We heard about the devastation along the coast and we prayed for those who were suffering much more than we were.  Somehow, we managed to endure the hardship by charging our electronic devices from the car and sipping wine by the fireplace. 

Day 5 thru 8 - The nights had gotten very cold.  We were forced to check into a hotel... (next to a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.  We were truly "roughing it".)  Many gas stations had no power and those that did had developed LONG lines.  Hundreds of cars lined up for a bit of precious fuel while those with generators stood in line with their red 5-gallon gas cans.  Our familiar home environment was becoming somewhat apocalyptic. 

Day 9 to 10 - The hotel was comfortable...  while it lasted.  Our time ran out.  No more room at the hotel.  No rooms at any hotel.  We had to return home.  There was a Nor'easter coming and there was snow in the forecast.  We still had no power and the temperature in the house had dropped to 36 degrees.  The worst part was...  WinoBob had power!!!  The bastard sent me a picture of himself dancing in his home in his underwear with all the lights on and the thermostat set at 85.  I thought my head would explode!

Day 11 - We had burned all the firewood and most of the living room furniture.  The house was maintaining a temperature just above freezing.  We couldn't stay another night in the house...  I bribed/threatened the guy at the front desk of another hotel.  We got a room.  I was becoming crazed with survival instincts.  I was putting together a plan to storm the WinoBob house, lash WinoBob to a lolly column, and drink all his wine.  It sounds crazy now but it made a lot of sense at the time...

Day 12 - Back home again.  I had my guns packed in my backpack, I had water and survival equipment in the jeep.  I was headed out to who knows where when I spotted them.  The linemen.  The electrical utility linemen.  At the end of my street.  I wasn't quite sure if I was hallucinating or if they were real.  I decided give them the benefit of the doubt.  And by that, I mean that they had one hour to get electricity flowing into my house or things were going to get ugly.  Butt ugly...

Fortunately, the story ends there.  Within minutes, my house was aglow.  My long personal nightmare lasted 12 days, 3 hours, 45 minutes.  Thank goodness that's over.  Unfortunately, while I was off the grid, I hear there was an election.  I understand our long national nightmare will continue for four more years...   Sigh...

WinoJohn
November 12, 2012 
    

Wino of the Week!

Yeah...  It's about time. Let's get back to business here...

This week we recognize the tremendous efforts of that dude on the IcelandAir flight in an attempt to destroy his liver at 35,000 feet.  What?  You didn't hear about him?  Check this out...

Passengers on a recent IcelandAir flight from Reykjavik, Iceland to JFK in New York reported that a guy got a little inebriated and perhaps crossed the line slightly.  The actual report goes like this:

He drank an entire bottle of some duty free alcohol. Then he tried grabbing the women who were sitting next him screaming that we're going to crash. Finally he started choking a guy next to him and that's when a huge crowd restrained him and tied him up. This was 2 hours into a 6 hour flight.

Yeah.  That's the guy I usually get stuck sitting next to...   Other reports have this guy threatening the passengers and crew and spitting on anyone that walked by.  Yecchhh!!

Fortunately, some able-bodied passengers helped restrain the out-of-control idiot with tie-wraps and duct tape.  (Seriously...  Who travels with tie-wraps and duct tape???).  This just goes to prove the old adage that you can fix anything with duct tape!

The guy was taken into police custody in New York and transported to a local hospital.  No charges have been filed.  Yet...


An alert passenger snapped this picture
 of the unnamed alleged perpetrator...

Yeah...  I foresee more legal bills in our immediate future.

WinoJohn
January 5, 2013

 

Wino Excuse of the Week!

OK.  I admit it.  I’ve been a little lax in updating this idiotic site.  Ordinarily, no one notices (or at least no one says anything out of fear of getting photoshopped into a compromising position and exposed on this site!).  WinoBob is typically the only one to rag on me but I expect that.  He’s usually intoxicated so I am never quite sure what he is saying anyway.   I just laugh it off and go on about my business.  But recently, I realized that I had gone way too long without posting anything.  What was it that alerted me to this fact?  It was Wino Odd Job.  At dinner recently, he casually commented that we hadn’t updated the site in a long time and he never gives me shit.  Plus, I have tremendous respect for the guy.  He’s a gentleman and a scholar not to mention a captain of industry. You know you’re seriously delinquent when Wino OJ says something.  So here I am…  guilty as charged.

Before I go any further, let me take this opportunity to introduce a new award feature on WinoStuff.com…  Wino Excuse of the Week.  The basic premise to this new award is 1) you do something stupid and then 2) you produce a totally lame excuse.   It’s just that easy!   (My kids have been doing this for years!)  Not surprisingly, I am the inaugural winner of this new prestigious award.  (I also see myself earning this award quite frequently in the future.) 

So here is my stupid deed:  I failed to update the World’s Most Important Web Site for like a month.  Winos around the world were without timely wine news and entertainment for weeks on end.  And worst of all, I drew the ire of Wino OJ.  (Perhaps “ire” is too strong of a word.  It was more like I drew a half-hearted passing comment from Wino OJ.  But that’s still enough to earn this stupid award!!!)

And here are my excuses: (Yes, excuses!  I’ve got lots of them.) 

  1. 1) I got a new guitar. 

  2. 2) I did my taxes. 

  3. 3) George W. Bush. 

  4. 4) I drive down to see my pop once or twice a week. 

  5. 5) I had a dentist appointment. 

  6. 6) I hurt my back. 

  7. 7) It was cold out. 

  8. 8) But mostly, I GOT A NEW GUITAR!!!

There it is!!!  It doesn’t get much lamer than that.  I didn’t update this site because I got a new guitar.  That is the first ever Wino Excuse of the Week!  Thank you.  Thank you very much.  (Damn, that’s gonna look good on my resume!) 

Here is a photo of the bridge on my new (used) guitar.  If you know anything about guitars, you understand.   

WinoJohn
February 8, 2013 
 

 

Wino Excuse of the Week

AND

Wino of the Week

Yes, wino friends, this week we double it up.  A twin bill.  A double feature.  A twofer.  Twice the entertainment value for your wino dollar.  It doesn’t get much better than that!

First up…  Lame Excuse of the Week and once again, the winner is ….  me.  That’s right, I’ve got another lame excuse for taking several weeks to update this stupid site.  This time, I’m blaming…  SEQUESTRATION!!!  That’s right, the reduction in growth of federal spending has adversely affected WinoStuff.com.  And we never even saw it coming!  Who knew that spending slightly less money than we thought we would this year (even though it is still more than we spent last year) would result in delays updating this site.  But there it is.   Sequestration.  I can’t update the site if I can’t spend a boatload of money that I don’t have.  Period.  It’s just that simple. 

Oh, and for the record, we have also had to stop  giving tours of the palatial Wally Estate.  Our apologies to all the little school children that had their hearts set on viewing the majestic house and gardens.  Sequestration!

The other half of the double feature is the awarding of Wino of the Week honors to none other than Jared Followill, the bass player for the popular rock band, Kings of Leon.  Jared took to Twitter recently to admit that they couldn’t finish their latest album because he was too drunk  Wow.  That’s profound.  Most people would just sleep it off and pick up where they left off the next day.  But not the Kings of Leon.  Nooo...   They are too drunk now, they will probably be too drunk later, and that means that the album will go unfinished.   That’s pretty incredible.  I applaud them for their commitment to their collective buzz. 

For the record, Jared also told one of their fans that he normally drinks "between seven and eight days" a week.  Bravo, Jared, BRAVO!!!  And for that kind of dedication, Jared Followill, you are hereby named WinoStuff.com’s Wino of the Week!  (Coincidentally, you are also the lucky runner-up for Wino Excuse of the Week!)

Congratulations, Jared.  (and me!)

WinoJohn
February 23, 2013 
 

 


Home ] What's New? ] News from Bob ] [ Old Breaking News 2011 ] Wally's World ] Boycott Hollywood ] WinoBabes ] Main Reviews ] Restaurants for Winos ] Links Main Page ] Books4Winos ] Wine Primer ] The Lunatic Fringe ] Random Stuff ] Who are we? ] WinePress ] SiteMap ]

Copyright © 2000-2009  Wine Ventures, LLC.   All rights reserved.   This page revised December 23, 2011
Drink responsibly.  DON'T drink and drive!